It's hard to believe I had my best and worst year in 2010. I know Noah was born in 2009 but he grew up in 2010. We had him for most of 2010. And even though it's just been the last 3 months of this year that have been total heartache and indescribable pain, I want this year over. However no matter how horrible this time in our life has been, it will not overshadow what we did get with Noah. I have read numerous blogs these days about infant loss. There have been many many stillborns. No matter how you lose your child it is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone in the entire world. However, I feel horrible for the parents that have had stillborn babies. They did not get to see their children smile, laugh, change a diaper, take them for stroller rides. They didn't get any memories. That breaks my heart because all I have now is Noah's memories. But no matter what you go through, you get through it. I'm not sure how you do but I could never have imagined going through this. I never imagined starting a new year without my peanut. But here I am. So with that said, I am saying goodbye to 2010. Goodbye to a horrible year end. Goodbye to a year that changed my life forever in good and bad ways. I will always remember the great and horrible memories I have of this year, but I am ready for a new one. Bring on 2011! And please let it bring us some joy.
Happy New Year to you all and thank you so much for reading our blog, our stories, and our memories. They mean so much to us and we are so happy to share them with anyone who wants to read them.
XOXO
Jenna
Slideshow
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Dear Noah
Dear Noah,
Here are all the things I wish I could say to you. I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss your smile and your laugh the most. I miss that I could just look at you and you'd start laughing. I miss how ticklish you were. We could barely poke you and it'd send you into a fit of hysterics. I wish so badly that I could hold you. I wish a part of me knew that October 6th would be our last full day with you. I would have held you so tight and never let you go. I would have smelled your sweet baby smell. I loved the way your hair smelled like baby shampoo. I love that you loved baths. You'd kick the water with your feet just to see it move and splash. We'd always sing "Splish splash I was taking a bath" and you'd just sit there and eat your bath toys. I love how you'd try to stand up in the tub but because it was slippery we had to have one hand on you and wash you with the other hand. You always had to make things a little tricky for mommy and daddy. You are a little stinker. That's what we called you. I love how for the last couple months we had with you, you would not lay down for diaper changes/clothes changes. We'd have to pin you down with our arms because you'd get up and crawl away...laughing. You thought it was so funny. You thought everything was funny....especially daddy. I miss seeing daddy make his silly faces and sounds at you to make you laugh. I miss seeing you guys interact together. You had such a special bond. You were truly and mamma's AND a daddy's boy. I miss chasing you all over the house while you tried to eat the plant, eat my shoes, pull on cords, try to get at the fireplace, etc. I miss seeing you eat. I loved watching you eat your cheerios. You'd eat a couple, then throw a couple. That was a super fun game! I loved watching you explore all the new foods you got to eat. The last dinner with you we had pigs in a blanket for a fun treat! It was a turkey hot dog so I figured maybe that was better than the real thing. Either way, you loved it! You'd always smash the foods in your hands, then put it in your mouth. Half of it would fall out while you were chewing. You'd try to grab it and then you'd rub your hands in your hair. Needless to say we did baths almost every night at this point. I loved how you hated books. This sounds bad - I really didn't like it at the time. Daddy and I tried to read to you every single day but you just weren't into it. Every once in awhile you'd sit there and listen but most of the time you'd rip the book out of our hands, tear the pages or try to eat the book. Again, you were a stinker! I miss taking you everywhere. We went so many places...I loved watching your reactions. You loved watching people and lights. It was so fun to try to see the world through your eyes. You were so full of life and just ready to take on the world. I wish so badly I got to see you grow up. I can only imagine what an amazing person you'd have grown up to be.
I miss so many things about you, peanut. I forgot to mention one of my favorite things - I miss going into your bedroom in the morning when you'd wake up. You'd usually be trying to eat the side of your crib and as soon as you'd see me walk in you'd giggle, lay down and bury your face in the mattress like you were hiding. You knew you weren't supposed to eat the side of the crib. You knew you weren't supposed to do a lot of things but I think that made you want to do them all the more. I was only imagining what you were going to be like as a toddler! How were we going to handle this silly monster!?!?! I really wish I got to find out.
You are truly the most amazing person I've ever met in my entire life. You loved unconditionally. You changed so many people's lives in your short 11 months and 3 days. You were the best present, a true blessing from God. I love you more than I think my heart is capable of loving. And that will never go away.
I miss you so much baby. I hope you're happy in heaven. I hope there are lots of toys and you are smiling and laughing all the time. Continue to show us signs that you're with us.
Love you and miss you!!!
Mommy
P.S. Here are some of my favorite pics of my peanut from when he was 7 months old taken by my amazing photographer friend (West Meadow Photography)
Here are all the things I wish I could say to you. I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss your smile and your laugh the most. I miss that I could just look at you and you'd start laughing. I miss how ticklish you were. We could barely poke you and it'd send you into a fit of hysterics. I wish so badly that I could hold you. I wish a part of me knew that October 6th would be our last full day with you. I would have held you so tight and never let you go. I would have smelled your sweet baby smell. I loved the way your hair smelled like baby shampoo. I love that you loved baths. You'd kick the water with your feet just to see it move and splash. We'd always sing "Splish splash I was taking a bath" and you'd just sit there and eat your bath toys. I love how you'd try to stand up in the tub but because it was slippery we had to have one hand on you and wash you with the other hand. You always had to make things a little tricky for mommy and daddy. You are a little stinker. That's what we called you. I love how for the last couple months we had with you, you would not lay down for diaper changes/clothes changes. We'd have to pin you down with our arms because you'd get up and crawl away...laughing. You thought it was so funny. You thought everything was funny....especially daddy. I miss seeing daddy make his silly faces and sounds at you to make you laugh. I miss seeing you guys interact together. You had such a special bond. You were truly and mamma's AND a daddy's boy. I miss chasing you all over the house while you tried to eat the plant, eat my shoes, pull on cords, try to get at the fireplace, etc. I miss seeing you eat. I loved watching you eat your cheerios. You'd eat a couple, then throw a couple. That was a super fun game! I loved watching you explore all the new foods you got to eat. The last dinner with you we had pigs in a blanket for a fun treat! It was a turkey hot dog so I figured maybe that was better than the real thing. Either way, you loved it! You'd always smash the foods in your hands, then put it in your mouth. Half of it would fall out while you were chewing. You'd try to grab it and then you'd rub your hands in your hair. Needless to say we did baths almost every night at this point. I loved how you hated books. This sounds bad - I really didn't like it at the time. Daddy and I tried to read to you every single day but you just weren't into it. Every once in awhile you'd sit there and listen but most of the time you'd rip the book out of our hands, tear the pages or try to eat the book. Again, you were a stinker! I miss taking you everywhere. We went so many places...I loved watching your reactions. You loved watching people and lights. It was so fun to try to see the world through your eyes. You were so full of life and just ready to take on the world. I wish so badly I got to see you grow up. I can only imagine what an amazing person you'd have grown up to be.
I miss so many things about you, peanut. I forgot to mention one of my favorite things - I miss going into your bedroom in the morning when you'd wake up. You'd usually be trying to eat the side of your crib and as soon as you'd see me walk in you'd giggle, lay down and bury your face in the mattress like you were hiding. You knew you weren't supposed to eat the side of the crib. You knew you weren't supposed to do a lot of things but I think that made you want to do them all the more. I was only imagining what you were going to be like as a toddler! How were we going to handle this silly monster!?!?! I really wish I got to find out.
You are truly the most amazing person I've ever met in my entire life. You loved unconditionally. You changed so many people's lives in your short 11 months and 3 days. You were the best present, a true blessing from God. I love you more than I think my heart is capable of loving. And that will never go away.
I miss you so much baby. I hope you're happy in heaven. I hope there are lots of toys and you are smiling and laughing all the time. Continue to show us signs that you're with us.
Love you and miss you!!!
Mommy
P.S. Here are some of my favorite pics of my peanut from when he was 7 months old taken by my amazing photographer friend (West Meadow Photography)
Thursday, December 23, 2010
a different kind of Christmas
This year is definitely going to be different for Christmas. I have always loved this time of year....all of it! The music, the festivities, baking cookies, presents, making big x-mas dinners with the family, celebrating with friends, even the snow! I also usually transform our house for the holiday. I have different bathroom decor, throw pillows, christmas villiages, you name it! I go all out. But this year is different. This year does not feel festive. We did put up a tree because I felt we should acknowledge all of Noah's ornaments he got last year for his first Christmas. And we are continuing to get more this year for him from people that want us to have special things to remember Noah by. So many people have sent cards, emails, facebook messages, gifts, etc just acknowledging that this is going to be an incredibly difficult holiday for us. I want to thank you so much for all your support. It is people like you that help us survive this. I've decided against the term "Get through this". Because what is there to get through? It's not an obstacle to overcome, or something that we'll ever be "over". We can't get better from this as Noah won't be coming back. We just have to survive it. It's the only option we're given. So that is what we are going to do. I'm not sure exactly how but I have to have faith that 2011 will bring us some joy. I don't know what could actually bring us joy right now, but something has to. It has to get better.
We're determined to continue to help raise money for 2 organizations that are extremely important to us. If you want to donate to either of these causes you can do so online at the links below. What a great way to help out and pay it forward this holiday season!
SIDS Research - you can donate in Noah's name
Multiple Myeloma - you can donate in my mom's name - Jodi Eggenberger
Here's my Christmas wish: please stop complaining. I'm so sick and tired of people that complain about how hard their life is and how things didn't go according to their "plan". Or someone cut them off on the drive in, the holidays are stressful, there's so much to do, I don't know how I'm going to get it all done, their kid is sick, they hate the weather, etc, etc, It's so frustrating! Everytime I want to say, "you know it can be worse, right?" Why do we complain so much? I am SO guilty of this, I will admit. However, now nothing phases me. Nothing else really bothers me that much because I've already experienced the worst possible thing in the entire world. So I ask you this - when you're about to complain about something stop and think for a second...is this really something necessary to complain about? If your family member is ill, you are struggling for money, someone died, or something else that really is life altering - that is one thing. But sometimes you really don't have it all that bad. Lets try to be grateful for what we have. Be grateful that you have your families, your children, your friends. Don't take a day for granted because you never know when it could be someone's last day. Don't ever bank on having next year or another day to do something. Do it now, because trust me...life is short and full of surprises. It's the one thing we really can't control.
Wishing everyone a happy holiday. Please take a special moment to think of my angel Noah who only got 1 Christmas. Lets be thankful for all the years we've been given.
We're determined to continue to help raise money for 2 organizations that are extremely important to us. If you want to donate to either of these causes you can do so online at the links below. What a great way to help out and pay it forward this holiday season!
SIDS Research - you can donate in Noah's name
Multiple Myeloma - you can donate in my mom's name - Jodi Eggenberger
Here's my Christmas wish: please stop complaining. I'm so sick and tired of people that complain about how hard their life is and how things didn't go according to their "plan". Or someone cut them off on the drive in, the holidays are stressful, there's so much to do, I don't know how I'm going to get it all done, their kid is sick, they hate the weather, etc, etc, It's so frustrating! Everytime I want to say, "you know it can be worse, right?" Why do we complain so much? I am SO guilty of this, I will admit. However, now nothing phases me. Nothing else really bothers me that much because I've already experienced the worst possible thing in the entire world. So I ask you this - when you're about to complain about something stop and think for a second...is this really something necessary to complain about? If your family member is ill, you are struggling for money, someone died, or something else that really is life altering - that is one thing. But sometimes you really don't have it all that bad. Lets try to be grateful for what we have. Be grateful that you have your families, your children, your friends. Don't take a day for granted because you never know when it could be someone's last day. Don't ever bank on having next year or another day to do something. Do it now, because trust me...life is short and full of surprises. It's the one thing we really can't control.
Wishing everyone a happy holiday. Please take a special moment to think of my angel Noah who only got 1 Christmas. Lets be thankful for all the years we've been given.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Happy Holidays
I thought that I would write to those of you following this blog to say happy holidays and thank you to everyone for your love and support during this especially tough time.
As Jenna posted before, we are very proud and extremely grateful for our friends, family, and even strangers who donated money for SIDS research and to the MMRF. Many of you sent Jenna and I money to pass on to certain donations and we are so happy to say that because of your generosity we raised over $2,000 for SIDS research and $2,000 for Multiple Myeloma research (or donations to the MMRF). Caring people like you are those who make wonderful things happen during such tragic times, and we thank you!
In the process of starting up my new design company nolo creative, LLC, I have decided to dedicate a lot of my talents within my company to give back. I am in the process of partnering up with the MMRF in a unique way people can donate to the organization through my company's work. Stayed tuned... It is an exciting venture I have very high hopes for.
2nd thing is my brother Jeff is working with the March Of Dimes in sponsoring a golf tournament to be held in Connecticut, that will go to support SIDS research and many other donations to help fight these horrible diseases many children are struggling with or have lost their life to. Please stay tuned for more info on this as well. We are looking to throw a tournament in Minnesota too, so any help from people would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you all again so much. Its because of our loved ones that we are making it through this.
Scott E. Rogers
As Jenna posted before, we are very proud and extremely grateful for our friends, family, and even strangers who donated money for SIDS research and to the MMRF. Many of you sent Jenna and I money to pass on to certain donations and we are so happy to say that because of your generosity we raised over $2,000 for SIDS research and $2,000 for Multiple Myeloma research (or donations to the MMRF). Caring people like you are those who make wonderful things happen during such tragic times, and we thank you!
In the process of starting up my new design company nolo creative, LLC, I have decided to dedicate a lot of my talents within my company to give back. I am in the process of partnering up with the MMRF in a unique way people can donate to the organization through my company's work. Stayed tuned... It is an exciting venture I have very high hopes for.
2nd thing is my brother Jeff is working with the March Of Dimes in sponsoring a golf tournament to be held in Connecticut, that will go to support SIDS research and many other donations to help fight these horrible diseases many children are struggling with or have lost their life to. Please stay tuned for more info on this as well. We are looking to throw a tournament in Minnesota too, so any help from people would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you all again so much. Its because of our loved ones that we are making it through this.
Scott E. Rogers
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
my life
I already can tell this post is going to be all over the place because I'm feeling so many things right now I don't even know where to start.
I miss Noah. I miss him so much my heart hearts, my body aches, there is a constant pain in my stomach, constant headache, and I cry for him to come back all the time. My goal in life was to grow up, get married, have children and live happily ever after. I never asked for lots of money (although that would be nice), I never asked for a lot. My entire pregnancy I prayed for a happy and healthy baby. And I got him! I got the most beautiful child. He was a fussy newborn and wanted to be held all the time. But I could deal with that - he was happy and healthy! Then he morphed into the easiest child ever - he could play by himself for hours, anyone could hold him or watch him, he ate everything, he was happy anywhere he was no matter what he was doing. Piece of cake! I mean don't get me wrong, our life was crazy and chaotic and he threw food everywhere, was constantly into mischief....you had to watch him like a hawk. But he was everything we asked for and more. He brought us so much joy and so much happiness and we felt a love that we never knew existed.
I never really thought about death before. I mean I knew we'd all die at some point but it just wasn't really something I thought of. Every once in awhile when in a scary situation (bad driving situations, scary plane ride, etc) I'd pray to God to not let me die yet because I still had to have children. That was my goal in life. I thought, I can't die before I'm given the chance to have children. And obviously, I lived through each of those situations. Once Noah was born I thought a little differently. Everything focused on him. When he had a cold or was sick in anyway I would pray for him to get better and for me to have the cold instead so that wouldn't be in any pain. I thought I could deal with anything, just don't let him go through any pain. And then he died. My immediate response was to the doctor to ask if they could do a heart transplant so that Noah could have my heart and he could live (I watch a little too much Grey's Anatomy). Obviously the doctor said that wasn't an option. But I immediately felt like I had failed. I had done everything I was supposed to do and my child died. Why couldn't I keep him alive? What more could I have done? Did he want to die? He couldn't have - he was so happy all the time! Is this part of God's plan? Why? Why would God's plan be to take away a perfectly healthy baby from a home where he was with both of his parents, was safe, healthy, and loved. It doesn't make any sense to me.
Everyday I look at his pictures and they look so real. I think, Noah still is here! Someone is going to knock on my door and be like "just kidding, we had the wrong kid!" And everything is going to be ok. And then reality hits. I'm somewhere between denial and reality. I still don't believe this happened. I don't believe that in order for me to see my baby I have to look at pictures and videos. In order to visit him I have to go to a cemetery. In order to celebrate a holiday with him I have to decorate his grave site. These types of things just don't happen, and they don't happen to me. They happen to other people (not that I'd wish this on anyone else!).
I can say I have a new outlook on death. I yearn for it sometimes (not in a suicidal way). I think, when will this all be over so I can just see my baby again? Hug him, hold him, kiss him...I want that so bad. This wasn't the life I asked for - I don't want to wake up everyday and have to put on a brave face for the world and survive another day. It's so hard, so draining, so exhausting. I am no longer afraid for the day that my life here ends and my eternal life with Noah begins. A life without pain, without sadness. It sounds so depressing. I used to be this happy cheerful, full of life person. I hope someday again I can be that person. But how do you ever be truly happy when your child is gone?
And then, just when I think things can't get worse - they do. My mom was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (cancer of the plasma cells) in August of 2009 (mom, don't get mad at me for telling everyone this!). It's been stable up until now and she hasn't needed any treatment. Last night I found out she has to start treatment. This isn't good news for many reasons that I just don't feel strong enough to explain right now. I lost it. I felt sick all night. I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me...I couldn't breathe! I can't deal with all of this. this is too much for one person to handle. Someone told me that God doesn't give you more than you can handle but that is a load of crap. I can't handle all of this. I can't handle that my son died, my mom is sick, my brother needs treatment and we don't know where he is...I can't handle it all. How do you wake up each day and survive knowing there is not much left? I try to have hope and faith but I am dying inside. I am trying to be a good wife, a good friend, stay strong for my parents, etc. I am a good person who has always tried to do what is right. I don't know why this is my life now. I don't know why I was dealt this hand. I'm scared of what everyday brings. Just when I think the worst has happened, something else horrible happens. I'm praying for the day when things start turning around for us.
On a brighter note Noah has been sending me lots of signs that he's with me and that is what gets me through each day. I see rainbows on everything and everywhere! And we are brainstorming ways to honor his life while helping others at the same time. I know he would want that and I want his memory to live on forever!
XOXO Noah. Thinking of you and missing you always.
Mommy
I miss Noah. I miss him so much my heart hearts, my body aches, there is a constant pain in my stomach, constant headache, and I cry for him to come back all the time. My goal in life was to grow up, get married, have children and live happily ever after. I never asked for lots of money (although that would be nice), I never asked for a lot. My entire pregnancy I prayed for a happy and healthy baby. And I got him! I got the most beautiful child. He was a fussy newborn and wanted to be held all the time. But I could deal with that - he was happy and healthy! Then he morphed into the easiest child ever - he could play by himself for hours, anyone could hold him or watch him, he ate everything, he was happy anywhere he was no matter what he was doing. Piece of cake! I mean don't get me wrong, our life was crazy and chaotic and he threw food everywhere, was constantly into mischief....you had to watch him like a hawk. But he was everything we asked for and more. He brought us so much joy and so much happiness and we felt a love that we never knew existed.
I never really thought about death before. I mean I knew we'd all die at some point but it just wasn't really something I thought of. Every once in awhile when in a scary situation (bad driving situations, scary plane ride, etc) I'd pray to God to not let me die yet because I still had to have children. That was my goal in life. I thought, I can't die before I'm given the chance to have children. And obviously, I lived through each of those situations. Once Noah was born I thought a little differently. Everything focused on him. When he had a cold or was sick in anyway I would pray for him to get better and for me to have the cold instead so that wouldn't be in any pain. I thought I could deal with anything, just don't let him go through any pain. And then he died. My immediate response was to the doctor to ask if they could do a heart transplant so that Noah could have my heart and he could live (I watch a little too much Grey's Anatomy). Obviously the doctor said that wasn't an option. But I immediately felt like I had failed. I had done everything I was supposed to do and my child died. Why couldn't I keep him alive? What more could I have done? Did he want to die? He couldn't have - he was so happy all the time! Is this part of God's plan? Why? Why would God's plan be to take away a perfectly healthy baby from a home where he was with both of his parents, was safe, healthy, and loved. It doesn't make any sense to me.
Everyday I look at his pictures and they look so real. I think, Noah still is here! Someone is going to knock on my door and be like "just kidding, we had the wrong kid!" And everything is going to be ok. And then reality hits. I'm somewhere between denial and reality. I still don't believe this happened. I don't believe that in order for me to see my baby I have to look at pictures and videos. In order to visit him I have to go to a cemetery. In order to celebrate a holiday with him I have to decorate his grave site. These types of things just don't happen, and they don't happen to me. They happen to other people (not that I'd wish this on anyone else!).
I can say I have a new outlook on death. I yearn for it sometimes (not in a suicidal way). I think, when will this all be over so I can just see my baby again? Hug him, hold him, kiss him...I want that so bad. This wasn't the life I asked for - I don't want to wake up everyday and have to put on a brave face for the world and survive another day. It's so hard, so draining, so exhausting. I am no longer afraid for the day that my life here ends and my eternal life with Noah begins. A life without pain, without sadness. It sounds so depressing. I used to be this happy cheerful, full of life person. I hope someday again I can be that person. But how do you ever be truly happy when your child is gone?
And then, just when I think things can't get worse - they do. My mom was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (cancer of the plasma cells) in August of 2009 (mom, don't get mad at me for telling everyone this!). It's been stable up until now and she hasn't needed any treatment. Last night I found out she has to start treatment. This isn't good news for many reasons that I just don't feel strong enough to explain right now. I lost it. I felt sick all night. I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me...I couldn't breathe! I can't deal with all of this. this is too much for one person to handle. Someone told me that God doesn't give you more than you can handle but that is a load of crap. I can't handle all of this. I can't handle that my son died, my mom is sick, my brother needs treatment and we don't know where he is...I can't handle it all. How do you wake up each day and survive knowing there is not much left? I try to have hope and faith but I am dying inside. I am trying to be a good wife, a good friend, stay strong for my parents, etc. I am a good person who has always tried to do what is right. I don't know why this is my life now. I don't know why I was dealt this hand. I'm scared of what everyday brings. Just when I think the worst has happened, something else horrible happens. I'm praying for the day when things start turning around for us.
On a brighter note Noah has been sending me lots of signs that he's with me and that is what gets me through each day. I see rainbows on everything and everywhere! And we are brainstorming ways to honor his life while helping others at the same time. I know he would want that and I want his memory to live on forever!
XOXO Noah. Thinking of you and missing you always.
Mommy
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Rainbows
I've been told by many people now to look for Noah in rainbows. I've yet to see one myself - not an actual rainbow in the sky. I've seen the rainbow that a crystal makes or rainbow colored items. My friends have seen rainbows in AZ and Mexico....but today I FINALLY saw my rainbow. It was the coolest thing because it was so unexpected. It was a rainbow at 7am while the sun was rising in the middle of winter. It looked like it was coming out of the ground. It was amazing. I started smiling just thinking of my little peanut beyond that rainbow. I love you baby and miss you more and more everyday.
It's kind of hard to tell in the photo I took on my cell phone while driving on the highway...but you get the idea.
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