2 years out

I haven't been blogging much lately. I felt like it really helped me at first and for awhile after Noah died. I was able to get my feelings out, grieve, vent, whatever. And then I just kind of felt like I didn't need to do it anymore. I'm not sure why. It's not like anything has changed. I guess as you move along in the grieving process, the way you grieve changes. It's ever evolving. You always grieve after you lose a child. That never goes away. But how you do it is different as time goes on. 

Which brings me to now - Sunday marks 2 years since Noah died. I cannot believe it. I cannot believe that as each day passes, it's another day that I don't get to be with my baby. I don't feel I get the adequate time to grieve these days. After 2 years people don't ask you about it as much, talk about it, focus on it, etc. They expect you've moved on and are "ok" now. It always helps to talk about how I feel. Have a real good break down session where I just cry it all out. They are much fewer and farther between now. But those usually just happen with my husband, mom, sister, or therapist. So I thought maybe if I started writing my feelings down, I'd feel like I was getting it out. After 2 years, this is how I feel: So incredibly messed up in the head! That is the best way I can describe it. Not like a crazy person, but imagine how hard and emotionally draining it is to be so happy, yet so miserable, every single day of your life. I don't feel in control of my emotions. On any given day I am happy, smiling, laughing, enjoying my amazing life with my beautiful son Oliver. We take trips, go fun places, and overall live a pretty great life. And that is totally me. I really am happy. It's not fake, it's not for show (as it once was some time ago). Yet I'm also heartbroken and sad. It's hard to describe. It's like I can talk about Noah, even the day he died and not cry. I can remember all the great memories, moments that defined his life and mine. But then something like a stupid episode of greys anatomy where a grown man dies will send me into hours of hysterical crying. Certain things bring me back to the feelings I had when he died and right after. Those times were so depressing, so dark, such a blur. I don't ever want to go back there. And when I do, it's hard to get out of. I think now, as my therapist says, I box up my grief and only unpackage it when I feel it's right. Sometimes I'm ok with that, but sometimes I feel bad. It's a constant balance. Trying to be the best mom you can be to a living child and a child who has died. Oliver is here and my main focus is on taking care of him of course. But even when your child is gone, you don't ever stop feeling the need to take care of them. They are still your baby, a part of you. So I make Noah things, bring them to his grave site. Make sure it's decorated for each season. Sounds silly, but it's what works for me. It makes me happy when his grave area looks nice. How sick is that? I don't care if my house is decorated for fall, but as long as the cemetery is. And then I think of Oliver. How this poor child is literally growing up at a cemetery and going to Faith's Lodge. We are going there tomorrow (Oliver's 2nd time) and again for Thanksgiving. I dread the day I have to explain this all to him. But he knows his brother. I can ask him where Noah is and he will point to his picture. It's amazing. 

These are just a few of my feelings these days. It's an ongoing battle. It doesn't end or get better. It just changes. You just adapt to life without your child. There are those tough questions that I still try to figure out how to answer, "how many children do you have?" Or being at the grocery store next to a lady with 2 screaming children who looks over at me and Oliver sitting there in the cart and says "One is enough. Just stop at one. Two kids is insane!" and she laughs as she walks away. If only you knew lady, If only you knew. 

What I do appreciate more than anything in the world are those that remember Noah, continue to honor him, talk about him, have their kids send me pictures they drew for him, send balloons up for him, draw rainbows on my driveway, visit his gravesite, send me a note to tell me they are thinking of me/us. You have no idea what it means to me. And even as time goes on and people move forward with their lives, Noah was and always will be my baby. My first son. The boy who made me a mom and changed my life forever. He is the boy who loved Mickey, laughed as he crawled up the stairs, said dada, but not mama, he was the best! I miss him with all my heart and soul. As we approach 2 years I still thank God everyday that I got 11 months with him. I wouldn't trade that for the world. But I do live everyday now just hoping and praying I get to keep Oliver forever. Mostly I'm just really sad that I never got to see Noah grow up. I didn't get to see him walk or talk or go to school or get married or anything. One month from today he would be 3 years old. I can't even picture it. 

I miss you sweet boy! More than I could ever describe with words. You are our angel. Thank you for being the person you are and always watching over us. I am eternally grateful for our amazing bond. You are perfect and we will continue to do everything we can to do good in your name. You deserve it! 
xoxo,
mommy
p.s. looking at these pictures really makes me want to climb into the sky and pull you back down here. my heart aches for the day we can be together again, peanut.

Noah's Memorial Classic #2

The 2nd Annual Noah's Memorial Classic took place on Monday July 9th at Medina Golf and Country Club. We were surrounded by 250 family and friends on an absolutely beautiful, sunny summer day to honor Noah. Everything went so well - we were so happy with how the event turned out. We want to thank everyone who came, donated, etc. We are so grateful that we are able to do this event for Noah each year. It takes the support of family and friends to make this event so successful! 


We are still awaiting a final total as to how much was made but I do know that we were able to raise a lot of money for some amazing charities: CJ Foundation for SIDS, Faith's Lodge, and the Children's Hospital of MN. I will update with a final total as soon as I have it. 


I'm also waiting for pictures from West Meadow Photography, our event photographer! In the meantime, here are some pictures from Joey Tichenor Photography, who also helped with some group shots on the course! Enjoy!

the gift of life

The day after Noah died, we received a call from Life Source, the organ and tissue donation center. They asked us if we would like Noah to be a donor. At the time I remember just trying talk was a daunting task. They said they needed to know right away. "Yes, of course" was all I could really remember saying. The thought of them taking parts of him was sickening to me. Yet I knew if he could help someone else, that would be an amazing gift to give. It's quite a process once you decide your child should be a donor. They made me answer about an hour long worth of questions about Noah and myself (since I carried him). This was all the day after he died. It was unbearable. I cried the whole time. I understand it all has to happen right away, but trying to answer all those questions while you're in such a state of shock and while the world has just been ripped out from under your feet is an extremely difficult task. 


Fast forward to about a week ago when Life Source called me again. They said they had about 10 questions that did not get recorded during that first session. Are you kidding me? I have to do this again? They asked me all these questions about the week before Noah died. I barely remember the week before he died. It was a year and a half ago! The pain came flooding back. 


But yesterday I received a letter in the mail from Life Source stating that Noah's heart valves have been used for a little girl in Massachusetts that is less than a month old. The heart valve transplant saved her life. To know that a part of Noah is living on in another little girl is an amazing feeling. It makes me very proud as a mother to know your child helped save another child's life. I wish so badly I could find out who this little girl is. Obviously it's confidential information. Otherwise you better believe I would be on the next flight to MA knocking on their door. I would love to meet her. To see the girl who has my son's heart valves. Let's face it, I'd probably stalk them. To know their daughter has a part of Noah inside of her. I would probably move next door just to feel closer to Noah. Noah gave this girl the gift of life. And has made such a difference in the life of her family. Because of him, they do not have to feel the pain we feel everyday. And for that I am grateful. 

happy valentines day peanut!

Dear Noah,
I wish you were here so badly this Valentine's Day. We always make a big deal out of holidays - even the little ones so I probably would've made you something dorky like heart shaped pancakes. We would've made really cute valentines to hand out to your friends. On your first and only Valentine's Day with us, I will never forget that you made your first art project at daycare. It had your footprints on it. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen. 


Three years ago today our journey began together. You were created and we started our special bond. That's another reason Valentine's Day always holds a special place in my heart. When we found out we were going to have you, our lives changed forever. I never knew how amazing you could be and how much I could possibly love. 


I want you to know that mommy misses you more and more everyday. I want you to know that no one forgets about you. Your friends make you rainbow pictures which makes mommy so happy! Sometimes we bring them to your gravesite. Everyone still talks about you and what an amazing boy you are. I hope you're having a special Valentine's Day in heaven. 


Love you so much sweet peanut!
xoxo
mommy

double personalities

I feel like my life is split in two and I have double personalities. There is one part of me that is happy and thankful and one part of me that is so completely heart broken and miserable. You'd think it'd be hard to be such extreme opposites at the same time, but I've mastered it. 

I can go through my days feeling so happy and blessed because of the opportunities I've had. I had the most amazing 11 months with the most amazing little boy. He brought us so much joy and happiness. He truly taught me the meaning of life. I feel like my life before Noah was wonderful, but I did not know true happiness until being a mom. I feel like my life really began after we had Noah. All the prior events in my life brought me to that time, but being a mom is like no other. Looking into those beautiful blue eyes and kissing those sweet chubby cheeks and knowing you made that little person. It's an indescribable feeling. I never wanted it to end. I even remember kissing Noah so many times in a day that I once thought, "if there is ever a time I don't get to kiss you, at least I'll feel like I got all my kisses in." Sadly, I am now at the place where I don't get to kiss that beautiful face and I absolutely do NOT feel like I got enough kisses in. 

Having Oliver brought back those feelings of motherhood all over again. I now look at Oliver and just squeeze him and kiss him and snuggle him to the point that he is probably so sick of me :) I tell him, "you may get sick of my kisses, but I am never going to stop. I made you, I grew you in my tummy for 9 months so I get to do whatever I want :)" I feel so blessed to have this second chance. To have a baby again and I pray everyday nothing happens to him. Being at home with him right now is such a gift. I went back to work after 10 weeks when I had Noah, so to have spent 5 months at home with Oliver has been so much fun. It's definitely tiring - I never understood how stay at home moms were so tired. I always thought, "what do you do all day?" Well, trust me - the days are full and I'm exhausted! But I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I get this feeling of pride when Oliver learns a new trick because I know I taught it to him. With Noah I figured he picked up a lot of what he learned in daycare and through other kids. We are just having so much fun together. I am starting to look for jobs so I will be going back to work, but I hope to find something flexible. 

But with all the happiness I've experienced, I have also experienced the worst pain a person could ever go through. I lost a child. I lost my own flesh and blood. My own creation. A beautiful 11 month old boy that Scott and I brought into this world. I still have his handprints on my windows, his spit up stained shirts - he was here. He was real. As long ago as it may seem. It feels like an eternity since I saw that smiling face. That face that lit up every room and every person. Everyday I am heartbroken. I am broken. The pain is so real and so deep that sometimes I can't even "go there". It's too painful. I think people think because we've had Oliver and they see how happy we are that things are ok now. Sadly they will never be ok. We are happy and we feel so blessed. But I also feel so robbed. So robbed of being able to have my 2 boys that are 2 years apart. I watch Oliver with other kids. He laughs at them and smiles at them. It is so unfair that he can't have his older brother here to play with him. I cannot imagine my life without Oliver but he doesn't replace Noah. They are both my sons and hold equal love in our hearts. I wish this wasn't the life that was handed to me. I wish I didn't have to experience this daily pain. But I do feel stronger (and older! Yikes! I have definitely grown some gray hairs in this process). But it's a strength I wish I didn't have to endure. I hold strong to keep my family together and to keep my friendships and all other aspects of my life as "normal" as they can be. But it is hard because sometimes you just want to scream and cry. This is a never ending journey. We are growing and evolving and changing each day. But our love for our boys never changes. And we never forget the incredible memories we made with Noah. And most of all we are so thankful for the never ending support from our amazing friends and families (and even strangers!). Those people know that no amount of time will ever make this easier. That we need constant support, prayers, and most importantly to know that people are still thinking of our sweet peanut. That he changed their lives for the better. That means more than I could ever tell you. 

Another year without you...

Dear Noah,
I can't believe it's 2012. I can't believe I went the entire 2011 without you. I can't believe you've been gone 1 year and 3 months. I can't believe you'd be over 2 years old. I can't believe you have a 4 month old little brother with us now. I can't believe this is still my life. 


A lot of days now I can go without crying. I can actually be happy. I'm so happy to have your little brother. He brings mommy so much joy! He reminds me so much of you in so many ways, yet he definitely has his own distinct personality as well. He's mischevious like you. I can already tell. He's really silly and goofy like you too. He has a big smile like yours, but he does not have your laugh. Your laugh is like no other - I long for the day I'll hear you laugh again. Until then, I still watch your videos all the time so I can hear you, see you, and listen to that adorable little laugh. Although I am learning how to be happy, I still miss you so much it hurts. I know that will never go away. Everyone says the hard days get fewer and farther in between. I guess that is true, but the hard days are so very hard. I just wish so badly I could have both you and Oliver here. I wish I could watch you interact with each other. I wonder every day what it would be like to have 2 crazy, silly boys here with me. I know Oliver would think the world of you and I know you would LOVE playing with him. You'd probably torment him in some way, knowing you :) But I bet he wouldn't even mind. I wish I could have a picture of both of you together. In fact, I wish I could have a picture of our whole family together. It's so unfair that it has to be this way. I see so many other families at Target or while out and about that have a little boy your age and another child. I wonder if they realize how lucky they are. How lucky they are to have both of their children with them. To hold and hug and kiss both of them. 


As you probably know, we are beginning to work on your golf tournament for 2012! The 2nd Annual Noah's Memorial Classic. We are so excited to do this for you again, peanut. Daddy and I just finished designing the website so that people can get information and register and donate online this year.
**(the website will be up next month with details about the tournament so stay tuned! www.noahsmemorialclassic.com)**
We hope this year can be as successful as last year. We are happy to be able to do something so wonderful in your name and get all our family and friends together for such a great cause! We want to raise awareness of SIDS and raise money for SIDS research, but we also just want people to come together and talk about you, look at your pictures, and honor you and the amazing 11 months you were with us. 


I know you are watching over us all the time. I know that every time the dining room china hutch light is mysteriously on, it's you telling me you're with me. I know every night when I unwind after the day and watch tv and see that shadow quickly sweep over the room, I know you're right there. I wish I could see you and hold you and kiss you. I wish I knew what you'd be like at 2 years old. But I do know we will be together again. I do know you're an amazing son and big brother. And I do know how very lucky I am to have had you for the short time I did. You changed my life - you made it better. You are an angel and I can say I made an angel, I held an angel, and I love you so very very much. 


xoxo mommy

the room change

This is a post I should have made a long time ago, but I wanted to share how we transformed Noah's room into Oliver's room since I talked so much about how difficult it was to make that transition and to decide to "change" the room. I still think of it as Noah's room as well as Oliver's room. I feel like Noah is still in that room watching over his little brother. But I do call it "Oliver's Room" more and more. For awhile, while we were transitioning it, I couldn't call it that. I just called it "The Nursery" or "The Baby's Room". It felt weird to stop calling it "Noah's Room." But as you'll see, there are still very much parts of Noah in this new room. 


Here is Noah's room as it was left after he died. It was a Pottery Barn Monkey theme. 

Here are the messages we wrote on the walls before they got painted. We changed where the crib is placed. So on the wall where Noah's crib was we wrote messages to him. On the wall where Oliver's crib would go we wrote messages to him. 

And here is Oliver's room. It's completely different!!

There is a rainbow mobile to represent Noah watching over his brother while he sleeps. 

This is the part of the wall we left unpainted from Noah's room. It's framed out and has a guardian angel quote. 

So as you can see the room is completely transformed, yet there are still very much pieces of Noah in this room. It is definitely a bright and cheerful room. I'm so happy with how it turned out and I'm happy that Oliver gets his own room that is special to him, yet his brother is still very much a part of it. 

There is no way I could have done this room by myself. My friend Sarah Martin (from Majesty Companies) is an interior designer and helped me create the look and feel I wanted for this room. She painted the whole thing herself as well. She's amazing!!!

a new chapter

I have not written in months! Wow! Time has been flying by! I feel like I have so much to write about I don't even know where to begin. 


A new chapter of our life has begun. Unfortunately it is a chapter without Noah. I honestly still cannot believe a year later that Noah is gone. October 7 was the one year anniversary of Noah's death. I look at his pictures and it feels like forever ago that I saw him and held him. It feels like a completely different lifetime to be honest. So much has happened in this past year. We have changed and evolved and brought new life to our family. The one year mark was so hard. The days leading up to it were impossible. I cried so much just wishing I didn't have to live through another October 7th. But when the day finally came I made it through just like every other day. Unfortunately Scott had to leave that day for an out of town wedding he was the best man in. Two of my very good friends left their families and lives for the weekend to stay with me and our new son Oliver (I'll get to that next). Thank God for amazing friends. I could not have gotten through that weekend without them (and a little cake vodka! :) 


Back up to September 8 - the day our beautiful and amazing son Oliver Noah was born. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it was to see this little guy for the very first time. I had a long and difficult pregnancy. It started out in the ER (where Noah died - just 4 months after) due to a hemorage between my placenta and uterus. I was bleeding a lot. They told me the baby was ok but if the blood clot grew it could separate from the placenta and we'd lose the baby. Of course I was a wreck. Why oh why after just losing my son could I not have a perfect pregnancy? We were very luck to get pregnant so quickly but I was not ready for any more losses. I was on modified bed rest for the first couple months which is also when I lost my job! Crazy start to the year. We hardly told anyone I was pregnant until 20 weeks when the clot finally dissolved and went away!!! There were a few other bumps in the road but other than that we just waited and prayed so hard. After having the unthinkable happen to you, you start to think that everything is going to go wrong. I was so terrified the whole pregnancy. Luckily after 9 long months we finally got to meet our little guy. He came out screaming - I finally let out the breath I had been holding for 9 months. A HUGE 9lbs 9oz and absolutely perfect. I can't say I felt complete, since part of me will always be missing. But I felt this major void had been filled back up. I felt joy and true happiness again. I never imagined I could be so happy again. Our sweet Oliver has filled our house with love, noise, baby stuff, toys....and we love it! He is now 6 weeks old and we are loving every moment with him. To hold him, snuggle him, kiss him...it's what I've been yearning for for so long. We talk to him about his big brother every day. We take him to the cemetery to visit him. He wears his big brother's clothes, sleeps in his bassinet, uses his car seat, etc. Noah is with us and is always watching over Oliver. We know it. We are learning to live again and enjoy life again. It is not the same and it never will be. But it's our next chapter and we feel so blessed to have Oliver to share that chapter with. 


I have also discovered more ways to help me feel like I am still parenting Noah and still connected to him. I decided that every year on his birthday (coming up on November 4th) that we will choose a charity to donate to. I have made my decision but haven't let the charity know yet so I'm keeping it a surprise until his birthday. The charity will be a smaller scale charity than the larger SIDS organizations. We will also donate toys to Toys for Tots in honor of Noah's bday. The toys will be age appropriate for the year that Noah is. So this year we will donate toys suited for a 2 year old. 


We are heading to Faith's Lodge next weekend - exactly one year after our first visit. I cannot believe that one year later we have raised enough money to dedicate a suite at Faith's Lodge to Noah! We have raised $25,000 for Faith's Lodge! We donated $10,000 from Noah's tournament and our dear friend Laura - her family's foundation is giving them $15,000 in Noah's name. We know Noah would be so proud and we are so proud to have had this little boy who makes so many people want to do good in his name! We can't wait to go there and see the suite that will be dedicated to him!! Laura made a great point - Oliver might have Noah's bedroom now, but now Noah can have a very special room dedicated just to him where other families can heal. 

Noah's little brother - Oliver Noah (6 weeks old)

Noah's Memorial Classic 2011

I've been MIA for awhile.  The planning and organizing for the 1st Annual Noah's Memorial Classic took a lot out of me. Especially at 8 months pregnant!! But I am so happy to say our event to honor Noah was a tremendous success!!!


We started planning the golf tournament soon after the first of the year. Our good friends at Acceleration Northwest were kind enough to sponsor the tournament. And not only did they sponsor us, but they did a lot of work with the organizing of golf, financials, etc. We could not have done this event without them.


I've never even attended a golf tournament before, let alone planned one. But somehow we pulled it off! On July 22nd, we had 160 golfers at Fox Hollow Golf Course on a 95 degree day sweating their butts off for such a great cause! We are so thankful also for our 20 hole sponsors! I give major credit to the ones that sat at their hole all day in the heat! We had games at some of the holes to help us raise money and also offer incentives to the golfers. At each hole there was a photo of Noah along with another baby who has lost their life to SIDS. While we planned this event to honor Noah, it was not only for him. It was for all his friends in heaven who have lost their life way too soon.


We had an additional 125 people join us after golf for dinner. So all in all we had almost 300 people at our first event! We sold jewelry, had a raffle, a band (thanks to our friends Jerry Rodes!!), and over 100 silent auction items. After the night was over, we took the balloon decorations and had a balloon send off to Noah. It was the perfect way to end the evening. After it was all said and done we raised close to $25,000! The money we raised will go to the CJ Foundation for SIDS and Faith's Lodge in Noah's name. Both of these foundations are very near and dear to our hearts and have been a huge support to us over the last (almost) 10 months. We wanted the money we raised to go to the research of SIDS as well as helping families who have and unfortunately will lose their child in this horrific way.


We've kept a small chunk of money in the account for the holiday season. We plan to adopt a family and donate toys to Toys for Tots in Noah's name. Noah LOVED all his toys and we know he'd want us to help other kids who are not as fortunate to have toys to play with.


My very talented friend from West Meadow Photography donated her day and expertise to taking pictures to document our day.
CLICK HERE TO SEE PICTURES!!!


Thank you to everyone who contributed in some way to helping make this event such a success! We are so thankful to everyone for wanting to honor our son. We know Noah would be so proud and that makes us happy. I never imagined I would be planning charity golf tournaments in my child's name. It's just not something you think you should ever have to do. I still can't believe he's not here. It just baffles me that this is my life. I miss him more than words can ever describe. While I'm blown away by everyone's support and generosity, I wish everyday I could just have my son back instead. This was all for you Noah! We love and miss you so much peanut! 


Noah's Memorial Classic will become an annual event where we can honor the most amazing little boy who only got a short 11 months with us, to help raise money for SIDS research and awareness, and to help other families who know the pain of losing a child. We appreciate your continued love + support so much!! 

good-bye Noah's room

I have not posted in ages - a month and a half! Wow! I have been meaning to. Actually almost everyday I think "I'm going to make a post" and then I feel like everything I have to say is the same things I've been saying for nearly 9 months. I feel like I've been waiting for something new to write about it and today is that day. 


Our new baby is arriving in approximately 2 months which means it's time to start actually planning for a new baby to come. With Noah I started planning/buying things right from the start. I was so excited I just couldn't wait. Although with this baby I don't need much since I already have everything, so I have been putting it off. It's just too hard to plan for a new baby when my last baby died. The hardest part is the nursery. We decided it would be best to change the nursery. We will keep the same room and the same furniture, but we have to change the decor. That is Noah's room and I feel like it's special to him. I can't have another baby in his exact same room. It's just too weird. We will use all his clothes and all his toys, but we made the decision to change the room. I was content with this decision because I could prolong it awhile and not have to think about it. However, now that time is here. It's being painted on Friday (thanks to a good friend who knows there is no way we could paint this room on our own).  I'm starting to panic. When we refer to this room now, we will no longer call it "Noah's Room" We will start referring to it as the new baby's room. All the paint, bedding, curtains...all that will change. It will be an entirely different baby's room. I'm excited about the new room because I like re-doing rooms. I'm excited about the bright cheerful colors and about the new baby. However actually packing up Noah's things and having to do something with them is so incredibly hard. I had a friend help me organize all the clothes so they are now separated out by month and ready to for this baby to use. But for the past 9 months I have been throwing everything in this room. Anything we get pertaining to Noah - documents, paperwork, gifts, cards, etc...it all gets put in his room. Now I actually have to do something with all this stuff. It's like I'm packing away Noah's life. I'm taking his 11 months and packing it away to prepare for a new baby. His room will be different, his clothes and toys will be used by a new baby. There will be few things that will remain just Noah's. I've been dreading this point for so long. I found the bag of his clothes that he wore on his last day - all cut to shreds. I totally lost it. Imagining him that day - I shutter. I can't get the image out of my head. I feel like as time goes on the memories are getting more distant. He is getting further away. I just want to do everything I can to hold him close to me. But time makes us move forward and do things like change his room and pack up his things. 


Missing that sweet little boy that would climb the stairs so fast and look back at you to make sure you were watching...and just laugh. 

missing my little man

I just miss him. I miss him so much. It's just not fair - I don't understand why Noah had to die. Why did it have to be my son? I don't wish that it was someone else's, but still...why mine? He was healthy and perfect. We really couldn't have asked for anyone better. He was so playful, outgoing, fun, and just brought so much joy and purpose to our lives. Now I am left trying to pick up the pieces. Many people think this must get easier over time but it does not. You just sadly get used to your child not being with you anymore. But it is never easier. My life now consists of having to deal with it in so many ways. Not only are you missing and grieving your child but there are so many layers. People constantly ask if you have children, or now that I am visibly pregnant people ask "Is this your first?" I always say "no" which then of course leads to "how old is your other one? boy or girl", etc. Almost everyday I deal with this question and how to answer it. Do you lie and say "he's 18 months" and then hope they don't ask anymore questions or do you tell them that your son died at 11 months old and deal with all the questions and awkwardness that stems from that? And sometimes how people respond to that makes everything worse. The other day a lady told me if one of her kids ever died she would kill herself. Then there is this new baby. Do I change the nursery? Use the same clothes? He will be using all Noah's toys, stroller, high chair, etc. Will it be hard because of all the memories or will be good because of all the memories? Then when this baby is born how will I ever sleep? I will be the most paranoid mom EVER! But I know that even if I stand over his crib and watch him sleep all night, it won't save him. SIDS happens instantly and if it's truly SIDS they cannot be saved. I know the likeliness of anything happening again is only 0.4% but still, what was the likeliness that a child would die from SIDS at 11 months old anyways? I struggle so much on a daily basis because all things baby/child related remind me of Noah. They remind me that my son is not here but these other children get to live long healthy lives. That's all I wanted for Noah. The day he was born I held him and said, "you're stuck with us forever." I really thought he was. Scott and I would dream of what sports he'd play, the things we'd do with him as he got older. All our hopes and dreams were shattered with one phone call that changed our lives forever. But then again sometimes baby things make me excited for this new baby. I am trying to find balance between grieving Noah and being excited for this new baby. Some days I focus more on Noah and some days I focus more on the new baby. I guess all parents feel guilt when they are having a 2nd child because they want to love this child as much as their 1st, etc. I don't want to compare this child to Noah. They are their own child. 


We have gotten pretty good at being able to be in social situations and "act" like we are ok. We can smile and laugh and have fun with people. But it's never 100% pure fun or pure happiness. We leave and reality sinks in. We are going home alone. To our quiet house. To just go to sleep. No babies crying, no bottles to make, no diapers to change, no one to focus on but ourselves. It's lonely and depressing. I think because we are so good at acting ok in front of others, people start to think you are moving on or that you are "better." This is definitely not the case. You do not move on from your child dying and you definitely don't ever get better. Instead you learn to live without your child. It's the most painful way to live. We always talk about Noah and we will talk about how we are feeling with others, but because we can talk and not cry or have major breakdowns, people think we are ok. We try to be good friends, we try to be there for our families, we try to do everything we think is right - but we still very much need to focus on ourselves, our marriage, our loss, and our new baby. While we might have a lot more time on our hands now than we did before, this time is consumed with our grief. Some days it is manageable and some days it is not. But we still very much need our friends and families support. We need to know that people are thinking of Noah. We want to talk about him. He is what we think of almost every second of everyday. And while we are beyond thrilled with this new little one coming in 3.5 months, it does not in anyway take away from our pain of losing Noah. This baby does not replace Noah. He is an addition to our family of 3. He is Noah's little brother, even though he will never get to meet him. 


In order to feel like we are still parenting Noah we try to put a lot of our focus into the golf tournament we are having in his honor this summer. The 1st annual Noah's Memorial Classic. We are SO excited about the great turnout we are going to have for this event. It is so important to us to have family and friends come together to honor our beautiful son and to raise money for such a great cause. We are so thankful for everyone who is participating in some way. It is truly amazing the things people will do. Especially those we might not be as close with anymore, old friends, acquaintances, etc. This is what keeps us going....the amazing support and love. Noah would be so proud and that in turn makes us happy. 

Mother's Day

Today is my first mother's day without my baby boy. I cannot believe it's been a year since the sweet little boy in the below picture walked through the door with daddy to bring me these mother's day flowers....and then he tried to grab a big handful of them and eat them :) 

This mother's day is bittersweet. While I am terribly missing Noah, my sweet angel who made me a mommy, I'm excited that I get to be a mommy again to another baby boy this September. It is a constant struggle to balance the grief I carry for Noah and the excitement I carry for this new baby. While I am so grateful to be given another chance at mommyhood, I can't help but wonder why I can't just have both my boys? It kills me to know they could be such close friends -they'd be just 22 months apart. This new baby will never get to meet his big brother. I wonder how he will answer the questions when he's older "How many siblings do you have?" I hate that this baby will have to learn about death so early on and only know about his big brother through pictures, videos, and stories we tell him. But we are very much looking forward to the day when we get to hold our new baby in our arms and kiss and snuggle him like crazy. 

Dear Noah,

Thank you for making me a mom. I'm so proud to be your mom. You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to my life. You changed me forever and while we only got 11 months together, you made such a huge impact on my life as well as the lives of others. You should be so proud of the life you had - as short as it was. You blessed us with so many smiles, laughs, and very happy memories that I will cherish all the days of my life. Please continue to be with us as we continue on this journey. Help watch over your little brother - he is so lucky to have you as a big brother. Send us a rainbow soon so I know you're smiling down on us. I miss you every day. I still sleep with your blankets, even though they don't smell like you anymore. I still kiss your pictures and pretend I'm kissing you. I cannot wait until the day I get to be with you again. 

I love you little monster,

Mommy

monkeys

Not only do rainbows remind me of Noah but monkeys do too! He had a monkey nursery complete with monkey bedding from pottery barn, monkey stuffed animals and an adorable monkey painting. His favorite monkey (that we buried him with) was his orange pottery barn monkey that I bought because it matched the bedding (I had to have the COMPLETE set). 


Several days after Noah died my friends convinced me to go for a walk around the pond by my parents house (we stayed there for a couple weeks until we were ready to go home). As we walked, I saw this random monkey stuffed animal puppet sitting on a bench. I should have taken it (or at least taken a picture) but I wasn't thinking clearly at that time (and it probably belonged to a child that would come back for it!) but at that moment I knew it was Noah sending me a sign that he was ok and that he was thinking of me. 


The other day I went to Babies R Us to buy a present for someone (my LEAST favorite place right now). It was hard - it was a Saturday afternoon (wrong time to go there) and packed with little kids. It brought back so many memories. I actually saw a girl crying to her husband while I was there. He was hugging her and comforting her. I immediately wondered if her child died too. It's awful how my mind immediately jumps to that. Anyways, as I was checking out I looked over and saw this monkey stuffed animal sitting on a random shelf with a bunch of video games. It was just staring at me. I had to laugh. It was not just any monkey stuffed animal but the exact same one that we have in Noah's room. I knew it was Noah telling me he was there with me and it immediately made me smile. 


Thank you Noah for the signs that you're with us! Please keep sending them! It's the only way I get through each day and know you are with us. 

the monkey in Noah's room

the monkey at Babies R Us @ the checkout aisle

happy 17 month birthday little man

17 months ago today was the happiest day of my life. I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. Our hearts were filled with happiness. I have a video that Scott took of us in the hospital. I was holding Noah and talking to him...I told him he was stuck with us forever. At that moment I was prepared to take care of Noah for the rest of his life. I wasn't prepared for only 11 months. I wish so badly I got more time. I wish so badly he was here today. I don't know what 17 months looks like. I can't imagine what he'd be doing or what he'd look like. It's been almost 6 months that he's been gone and he seems so far away. I remember him, everything about him, his smiles, his facial expressions, his infectious laugh, our memories, everything. But I am forgetting what it's like to mother him. To have to make bottles, change diapers, pack a diaper bag, eat out for early dinners because he had to be home and in bed at 8pm or he'd start getting crabby. I forget what it's like to not sleep as much, to always be planning for the next phase of his life and the things we need to buy/learn to accommodate that. It kills me that those things were once second nature and I now am forgetting what that was like. Because now it is just Scott and I. We can sleep when we want, come and go as we please, do whatever we want. When we had Noah I missed those things at times. I obviously would never have traded him to have those things back, but you naturally want to sleep more, have more time, date nights, etc. But life without children is boring. It has no purpose (to me anyways). Children give you the greatest gift - they love you unconditionally, they need you, rely on you, trust in you. And I've never felt more successful, more loved, or happier in my life than the 11 months we had Noah. 


We are very fortunate to have friends and family who are continually supporting us. However other SIDS moms warned me that things get harder around this time because peoples lives have moved on. And I absolutely understand that. They should move on. They are not faced with this tragedy that we are. They don't live it every single day. We can't expect people to "live" with us for weeks like everyone did those first few weeks. Our friends have their children and they are loving life and watching them grow. Their lives revolve around them as they should. But meanwhile we are lost and feel so alone. We are stuck between being parents and not being parents. Our relationships with people have changed because we have changed. I hate everything that has changed. I've never been one to embrace change so that makes this even harder. 

We will still fight as hard as we can to survive because that is what Noah would want. I will still live my life the way he'd want me to so that he can be proud of his mama. With that, we love doing everything we can to honor him. I'm sure most of you have heard but we are throwing a golf tournament on July 22nd at Fox Hollow Golf Course in St. Michael to honor Noah and raise money for SIDS research. All proceeds with go to the CJ Foundation for SIDS and the SIDS Institute. I have attached the registration form. If you are interested in golfing, attending the dinner/silent auction, sponsoring a hole, or sending a donation, please see the information on this registration form. If you would like to donate a prize or item for the silent auction, we would greatly appreciate it! We have already started receiving some amazing donations and prizes and are so very thankful for everyones support. We are really excited about getting everyone together for this event to honor our beautiful boy and raise awareness and money for SIDS research. I'm not sure they'll ever find a cause or a cure in my lifetime, but I have to know that we are doing everything we can so that hopefully one day parents will not have to live their life without their child. 


Happy 17 months sweet peanut. I'm missing you every second of everyday. Everything I see, everything I do, every moment I live reminds me of you. Please send me a rainbow soon! I need to know you're with us all the time. I love you so much. 
XOXO, mommy

the bad days and the ok days

It's so strange to think that most of my days before Noah died were good days. Great days in fact. Of course every once in awhile I would have a bad day or something bad would happen. I would think it was the worst thing in the world. I've gone through most of my life considering myself extremely unlucky. Even though I had an amazing husband, friends, family, and most importantly my son, I still always felt like if something strange, different, bad, unexpected could happen, it would happen to me. Little did I know I was the luckiest person in the world until that day Noah died. I wish I would've taken the time to realize that all the things I've gone through in my life were NOTHING until I lost the most important person I had. It is now so hard for me to hear people complain about such trivial things when they in fact do not have it as bad as they think. It's hard to fault them because until you've experienced such tragedy, you truly don't understand. So you go on thinking that a car accident, a snow storm, a bad day at work, being late to a meeting, is the worst thing in the world. You let the stress of life overcome your life to the point where you don't enjoy it because you are complaining so much about how things could be different....I understand...I've done that. But trust me when I tell you that no matter what your pain or suffering in life, NOTHING is comparable to losing a child. Not a parent, a friend, a sibling, nothing. I know those are all absolutely horrific loses. But it does not compare. I wish everyday Noah was here but just sick in the hospital. I wish I lost my house, my cars, my money. I wish horrible things that no one would want but in return for my child. Because at the end of the day, your children are all that matter. You created them, you taught them what they know, they changed your life. They made you a mom or a dad. They bring you more happiness than anyone or anything else can. And if all you have is your children, that is all you need. 

Yesterday I did the most unimaginable thing. Scott and I sat down and designed the monument marker that will be placed at the cemetery. It was the most heart wrenching thing we've ever done. How sick and wrong is it to design a stone that will mark the place of where your child is buried? I felt like it was the last big thing we did for him and it had to be perfect. It had to represent him. Although our cemetery only allows flat markers now so our options were limited. When I called the cemetery to get the requirement information (another horrible day - why was I calling a cemetery for my son??), the man said "well, babies are very small so you won't have a lot of room to work with." Seriously? Like I didn't know that my son was 21 lbs and 11 months old and TOO YOUNG to die! Like I didn't know that he was too little! The horrifying thoughts of him in his casket came rushing back to me. How small it was. How little he looked inside. The whole process makes me want to scream. I totally broke down. I never in my life thought that on a random Wednesday night, Scott and I would be doing what we did. 

Today is the 4 year anniversary of when my Grandpa Joe died. St. Patricks Day is always such a fun and celebratory day for most people, but it marks a very important day in my life. I had gotten the chance to spend a lot of time with my grandpa before he died since I lived in CT at the time. He died shortly before Scott and my wedding that he wanted so badly to attend. I remember when we found out we were having a boy, we right away thought his middle name should be Joseph after my grandpa. Grandpa Joe was such a silly person...goofy, full of life, always making jokes (he hit on the nurses at the nursing home on a daily basis of that gives you any indication of his personality). In the months after Noah was born and starting to develop a personality, I couldn't believe how similar him and grandpa were. I was so saddened by the fact that grandpa didn't get to meet Noah. I knew he would have LOVED playing with him and making goofy faces at him. They had a bond - I just knew it. Noah having his middle name could not have been more fitting. He was so much like him! They are together now and I am happy to know that grandpa and Noah finally get to meet and play together. 

Through these very tough days, there have been glimmers of happiness. I am continually grateful for how thoughtful and supportive people continue to me. I have received many great things to help us remember Noah. But I have to write about the most thoughtful gift I received a couple weeks ago. A friend from high school runs a daycare in her home. One day I received a package in the mail from them. Each child had painted a rainbow on a piece of paper. On the back side was what really sent me to tears. My friend had shown the children a photo of Noah and asked them to tell her what came to their mind when they saw him and what they thought he was doing in heaven. So on the back of each rainbow were messages from the children about Noah: his big blue eyes, his "soft" hair, etc. And then what they thought he was doing in heaven: playing soccer, playing in the sand, etc. It is amazing to think of things from a child's perspective. They have such a real and simple interpretation. I will cherish these pictures forever. I hope she doesn't mind that I post the photos....they are so unbelievable, I just had to share. Thank you S!

Noah's 1st Birthday

Noah's 1st birthday was less than a month after he passed away on Nov. 4. I wasn't blogging yet and I sure was ready to share photos or memories about that day. But I think I am now. Birthdays are really special in my family. My parents always made a big deal out of them...so much so that I even celebrated my half birthday up until this year! So needless to say Noah's 1st birthday was going to be a memorable one! I started planning months in advance. Nothing big, just thinking about the theme, food, decor, etc. I decided I wanted a Mickey Mouse themed party since he LOVED Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I ordered some things from Etsy, even a special t-shirt for the bday boy to wear that day. Scott is a graphic designer so he was going to create Noah's bday invite. Things were finally starting to come together. The night before Noah died we had a photo shoot at our house with him. We dressed him up all cute and took pictures that would be options for the invite. Here are were some of the photos taken that night. His last night with us. I'm so happy I have these but they break my heart all at the same time. He was becoming a boy and such a cute and fun one at that. 

my favorite! I love that smile!

I'll fast forward to after Noah died. Many people have some time before that first birthday after their child dies. They get some time to process and grieve. Not that it makes it any easier or harder but I was thrown into that first big milestone day less than a month after he died. I knew I had to acknowledge his birthday. I knew it was not going to be the birthday I had hoped for. How do you have a 1st birthday party for your son that has just died? But birthdays are too big and important in our family to just let the day slide by. Besides the fact that 1 year ago on that Nov. 4 was the greatest day of our lives! Noah was born and brought into our lives. He changed our lives forever and that deserved to be celebrated. Luckily I have amazing friends and family and I didn't have to do anything to set up for Noah's birthday. We decided to invite friends and family over to our house for a sky lantern launch (thanks to Carly for coming up with this idea and buying all of these for us!). We had chili and cornbread (one of my favs that my parents brought over for everyone - I could not even think about cooking at this point so we needed to keep it simple). We had cupcakes and sang happy birthday to Noah as devastating and depressing as that was. But most of all, friends and family came together on this very special day to be there for us and celebrate the amazing boy that Noah was, the great 11 months we had with him, and to acknowledge how this tragedy has changed all of our lives forever. This was NOT the birthday it was supposed to be. But it still was his birthday. It was the anniversary to the day he was born and that will never change. We will always celebrate his birthday for he was here, he was alive, and he is the most amazing person I've ever met. How do you not celebrate that? I wish so badly he was here for his bday. I  anticipated him ripping open presents, I so badly wanted to see how he'd dive into his own little cake, and most importantly it was his 1st birthday! Such a special and important milestone. I hoped for happy memories of that day but instead I was overcome by sadness and such great loss. Here are some photos from Noah's 1st birthday. While he was not here with us physically, I know he was here with us that day and eating tons of cake in heaven! 

we decorated the paper lanterns with birthday wishes for Noah

Noah's birthday t-shirt - we all wrote messages to him

we ate and drank the tears away

Noah's friends played  

the sky lantern launch was amazing. It took some time to get the hang of it, and one got caught on a neighbor's house (thankfully nothing started on fire!!) but overall it was a big success and we plan to do it every year. 

I will never forget that day and everyone who was there for us. Thank you! I can't believe he'd be 16 months old this Friday. I hate that time keeps moving on. I wish I could relive Oct. 6th over and over and over again.