the bad days and the ok days

It's so strange to think that most of my days before Noah died were good days. Great days in fact. Of course every once in awhile I would have a bad day or something bad would happen. I would think it was the worst thing in the world. I've gone through most of my life considering myself extremely unlucky. Even though I had an amazing husband, friends, family, and most importantly my son, I still always felt like if something strange, different, bad, unexpected could happen, it would happen to me. Little did I know I was the luckiest person in the world until that day Noah died. I wish I would've taken the time to realize that all the things I've gone through in my life were NOTHING until I lost the most important person I had. It is now so hard for me to hear people complain about such trivial things when they in fact do not have it as bad as they think. It's hard to fault them because until you've experienced such tragedy, you truly don't understand. So you go on thinking that a car accident, a snow storm, a bad day at work, being late to a meeting, is the worst thing in the world. You let the stress of life overcome your life to the point where you don't enjoy it because you are complaining so much about how things could be different....I understand...I've done that. But trust me when I tell you that no matter what your pain or suffering in life, NOTHING is comparable to losing a child. Not a parent, a friend, a sibling, nothing. I know those are all absolutely horrific loses. But it does not compare. I wish everyday Noah was here but just sick in the hospital. I wish I lost my house, my cars, my money. I wish horrible things that no one would want but in return for my child. Because at the end of the day, your children are all that matter. You created them, you taught them what they know, they changed your life. They made you a mom or a dad. They bring you more happiness than anyone or anything else can. And if all you have is your children, that is all you need. 

Yesterday I did the most unimaginable thing. Scott and I sat down and designed the monument marker that will be placed at the cemetery. It was the most heart wrenching thing we've ever done. How sick and wrong is it to design a stone that will mark the place of where your child is buried? I felt like it was the last big thing we did for him and it had to be perfect. It had to represent him. Although our cemetery only allows flat markers now so our options were limited. When I called the cemetery to get the requirement information (another horrible day - why was I calling a cemetery for my son??), the man said "well, babies are very small so you won't have a lot of room to work with." Seriously? Like I didn't know that my son was 21 lbs and 11 months old and TOO YOUNG to die! Like I didn't know that he was too little! The horrifying thoughts of him in his casket came rushing back to me. How small it was. How little he looked inside. The whole process makes me want to scream. I totally broke down. I never in my life thought that on a random Wednesday night, Scott and I would be doing what we did. 

Today is the 4 year anniversary of when my Grandpa Joe died. St. Patricks Day is always such a fun and celebratory day for most people, but it marks a very important day in my life. I had gotten the chance to spend a lot of time with my grandpa before he died since I lived in CT at the time. He died shortly before Scott and my wedding that he wanted so badly to attend. I remember when we found out we were having a boy, we right away thought his middle name should be Joseph after my grandpa. Grandpa Joe was such a silly person...goofy, full of life, always making jokes (he hit on the nurses at the nursing home on a daily basis of that gives you any indication of his personality). In the months after Noah was born and starting to develop a personality, I couldn't believe how similar him and grandpa were. I was so saddened by the fact that grandpa didn't get to meet Noah. I knew he would have LOVED playing with him and making goofy faces at him. They had a bond - I just knew it. Noah having his middle name could not have been more fitting. He was so much like him! They are together now and I am happy to know that grandpa and Noah finally get to meet and play together. 

Through these very tough days, there have been glimmers of happiness. I am continually grateful for how thoughtful and supportive people continue to me. I have received many great things to help us remember Noah. But I have to write about the most thoughtful gift I received a couple weeks ago. A friend from high school runs a daycare in her home. One day I received a package in the mail from them. Each child had painted a rainbow on a piece of paper. On the back side was what really sent me to tears. My friend had shown the children a photo of Noah and asked them to tell her what came to their mind when they saw him and what they thought he was doing in heaven. So on the back of each rainbow were messages from the children about Noah: his big blue eyes, his "soft" hair, etc. And then what they thought he was doing in heaven: playing soccer, playing in the sand, etc. It is amazing to think of things from a child's perspective. They have such a real and simple interpretation. I will cherish these pictures forever. I hope she doesn't mind that I post the photos....they are so unbelievable, I just had to share. Thank you S!

Noah's 1st Birthday

Noah's 1st birthday was less than a month after he passed away on Nov. 4. I wasn't blogging yet and I sure was ready to share photos or memories about that day. But I think I am now. Birthdays are really special in my family. My parents always made a big deal out of them...so much so that I even celebrated my half birthday up until this year! So needless to say Noah's 1st birthday was going to be a memorable one! I started planning months in advance. Nothing big, just thinking about the theme, food, decor, etc. I decided I wanted a Mickey Mouse themed party since he LOVED Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I ordered some things from Etsy, even a special t-shirt for the bday boy to wear that day. Scott is a graphic designer so he was going to create Noah's bday invite. Things were finally starting to come together. The night before Noah died we had a photo shoot at our house with him. We dressed him up all cute and took pictures that would be options for the invite. Here are were some of the photos taken that night. His last night with us. I'm so happy I have these but they break my heart all at the same time. He was becoming a boy and such a cute and fun one at that. 

my favorite! I love that smile!

I'll fast forward to after Noah died. Many people have some time before that first birthday after their child dies. They get some time to process and grieve. Not that it makes it any easier or harder but I was thrown into that first big milestone day less than a month after he died. I knew I had to acknowledge his birthday. I knew it was not going to be the birthday I had hoped for. How do you have a 1st birthday party for your son that has just died? But birthdays are too big and important in our family to just let the day slide by. Besides the fact that 1 year ago on that Nov. 4 was the greatest day of our lives! Noah was born and brought into our lives. He changed our lives forever and that deserved to be celebrated. Luckily I have amazing friends and family and I didn't have to do anything to set up for Noah's birthday. We decided to invite friends and family over to our house for a sky lantern launch (thanks to Carly for coming up with this idea and buying all of these for us!). We had chili and cornbread (one of my favs that my parents brought over for everyone - I could not even think about cooking at this point so we needed to keep it simple). We had cupcakes and sang happy birthday to Noah as devastating and depressing as that was. But most of all, friends and family came together on this very special day to be there for us and celebrate the amazing boy that Noah was, the great 11 months we had with him, and to acknowledge how this tragedy has changed all of our lives forever. This was NOT the birthday it was supposed to be. But it still was his birthday. It was the anniversary to the day he was born and that will never change. We will always celebrate his birthday for he was here, he was alive, and he is the most amazing person I've ever met. How do you not celebrate that? I wish so badly he was here for his bday. I  anticipated him ripping open presents, I so badly wanted to see how he'd dive into his own little cake, and most importantly it was his 1st birthday! Such a special and important milestone. I hoped for happy memories of that day but instead I was overcome by sadness and such great loss. Here are some photos from Noah's 1st birthday. While he was not here with us physically, I know he was here with us that day and eating tons of cake in heaven! 

we decorated the paper lanterns with birthday wishes for Noah

Noah's birthday t-shirt - we all wrote messages to him

we ate and drank the tears away

Noah's friends played  

the sky lantern launch was amazing. It took some time to get the hang of it, and one got caught on a neighbor's house (thankfully nothing started on fire!!) but overall it was a big success and we plan to do it every year. 

I will never forget that day and everyone who was there for us. Thank you! I can't believe he'd be 16 months old this Friday. I hate that time keeps moving on. I wish I could relive Oct. 6th over and over and over again. 

4 months ago today...

Four months ago today was the last morning I spent with my peanut. I remember he played in our bedroom while I got ready. I remember daddy getting him dressed before he had to leave for work. I remember daddy putting on pants that did not match his shirt so of course I changed the pants right after daddy left for work. I had just gotten Noah some really cute new jeans so I put him in those. He was wearing a grey vintagey looking t-shirt (because he was a very hip little boy!) that said "county fair" with a white long sleeved onesie underneath. He wore grey baby gap socks that he would pull off his feet the second you put them on and start eating them. 


Every morning Noah would watch Mickey Mouse clubhouse in our bedroom and would play in the pack n play with his toys - he moved around far too much to let him be "free" in the bedroom....otherwise I'd spend all morning chasing after him instead of getting ready for work. When it was time to go downstairs to get things packed up for the day Noah would cruise all around - usually making his first stop by the door where all the shoes were. He bee-lined for the shoes....and then would eat them. So gross! I would always chase after him, remove the shoe from his mouth, bring him back to the family room where his toys were and as soon as I'd set him down, he'd bee-line for the shoes again. This would go on for about 15 minutes until we were finally ready to walk out the door. I made sure we had his blankie - he had to sleep with his blankie. He didn't have a certain one he loved, which was nice for me because I could wash them often and switch them out. He just had to have one to sleep with. I remember driving him to daycare that day. I remember specifically not wanting to bring him. I talked to him the whole way there while we listened to the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse CD (his fav!). I remember telling him I wish I didn't have to work that day and we could just play all day. For some reason I just really did not want to drop him off at daycare that day. Call it a mother's intuition I guess. I remember carrying him in, handing him to our daycare lady and after a quick kiss, "love you", and "have a good day", I was out of there. I had to leave fast in those days because he was starting to get separation anxiety. The longer I lingered the harder it was for both of us. If I had only known. If I had only known to squeeze him so tight that morning. to give him extra kisses and say extra "I love you's". To take an extra glimpse at my baby alive. I never thought that would be the last time I'd see him alive. Never. You never think "my child might die at daycare today". I went on with my day as normal. I remember what I wore and will probably never wear that outfit again. I remember laughing at the lunch table with my co-workers. I remember having a great day while my son was napping and dying. While he was all alone upstairs in a crib. 


I remember leaving work that day so excited to go pick up my peanut. I remember talking to my mom on the phone as I did everyday on my way to pick Noah up after work. I remember getting another call from an unknown number. Something compelled me to answer it. The rest of this story is in Noah's Story and I wish not to re-live it at this time. Although I do re-live it everyday of my life, it's harder to write out. 


4 months ago this morning was a happy morning. I played, hugged, and kissed my peanut. We were planning his 1st halloween (the only holiday he never got). he was going to be a pumpkin (thanks to cousin Maddie letting him borrow her costume!) and a bumble bee (thanks to my co-worker Tesa for letting us borrow this). We were going to have a halloween party and go trick or treating the next night so obviously he had to have 2 different costumes! We were planning his 1st bday party (Mickey Mouse themed of course). We were planning a life together. I still can't believe this happened. Everyday I cannot believe he's gone. I cannot believe in one moment our entire lives turned upside down forever. Whoever said the pain gets easier with time is wrong. It's actually only gotten harder. Although I can do the everyday things now,  my heart is still completely broken. I miss him so much it kills me. This never gets easier. Losing a child doesn't get easier. You just get used to your life without them and that is almost sadder. I never imagined I'd have to live my life without Noah. You think once you have a child they are going to be with you forever. You think you are surely going to die before them. 


4 months ago this afternoon my sweet, perfect, healthy baby went down for a nap and turned into an angel. 


Missing you so very much, Noah. 
XOXO
mommy

Happy 15 Months Peanut!

Tomorrow you'd be 15 months old. I cannot even believe it. I don't know what 15 months looks like on you. I'm sure you'd be running around like a crazy man! Getting into so much trouble. I wonder what words you'd be saying. You'd have to be saying "mama" by now! I know you loved saying "dada" but I longed for the day when you'd say "mama". I wonder what you'd look like and how tall you'd be now. Daddy always said he hoped you got his genes so you didn't end up short like me :)  I hate wondering all these things. I see some of your friends that are around your age and what they look like and they are SO BIG! I can't help but think how much fun you'd be...how much fun we'd have together. You'd be loving this snow! I'm sure you'd try to eat it. 


The more time goes by the sadder this gets. I look at your pictures and it's like this distant memory. I know you were here and I remember all our wonderful days we had together, but the longer it gets the harder it is to imagine how you look and how you feel. It's been almost 4 months. I can't even believe I've survived 4 months. I hate that I can survive without you. I never thought I could. I don't want to, it's not fair. I deserve you and you deserve me. We deserved a life together. You're my soul mate. At your young age I totally "got" you and I felt you totally "got" me. We had this connection that's indescribable. I could just look at you and you'd laugh. I could yell at you (only a few times when you were eating your crib!!!) and you'd laugh. 


So much is changing in my life right now. I feel like I'm changing. I don't feel like the same person I was when you were here. I think it's mostly because you took a big piece of me with you when you died. My outlook is clearer now on what I want and what I need. It's actually a lot simpler, which is good because the last thing I need is more complications in my life. I am battling many hurdles right now and I wish so badly you were here because it would make everything better. Thankfully I have an amazing support group of so many people near and far. You'd be amazed at these people, Noah. They continue to write, email, text, think of us and pray for us. Although I am not always the best at writing back to everyone it's important they know how much I appreciate every single message. Especially from those I've never met and those I haven't seen in years. 


I hope you're having fun in heaven. I hope they celebrate each month birthday milestone like I did. I hope you're having fun with all your friends there. I want you to know I think of you every second of every day. I miss your sweet face so badly. I miss our life together. I miss the innocence and hopes and dreams that were never lived out. I just miss you. I miss you so so so so much. I can't wait until the day I can see you again. 

I love this picture. It was right after your 9 month shots (hence the band aid). You didn't even cry right away. They did the shot and you were just silent for a full second or 2 and then started crying. I hated those stupid shots. But I had a bottle ready to shove in your mouth the second that shot was over to help mask that pain. Worked every time! :) 

AHHHH!!!

I couldn't think of a good title for this post. AHHHH is how I'm feeling right now so I figured that about sums it up!


I find each day without Noah to be more and more difficult emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I can now "function" daily. I can go to work and "act" fine. I can go work out, hang out with friends (sometimes - I still feel very distant), run errands, etc. However I think it sometimes makes people think that I actually am ok, and therefore they stop treating me like a mom who lost their son. I don't want people to treat me differently or pity me. However I think a lot of people just stop asking how I feel, how I'm doing, surviving, etc. Some people are really good about this and others are not. Many people still write me private facebook messages, emails, send cards, etc. It really makes me happy because it makes me know people are thinking about us, praying for us and most importantly thinking about Noah. It's really less about me and more about Noah. I know no one will ever forget him, however I like to talk about him. He DID exist and he will always be my baby. My first born, my son who received his angel wings far sooner than he should have. Some people are so amazingly thoughtful. I have to say how touched I was yesterday when my co-worker brought me a beautiful solar light for the cemetery. I have been wanting one since it's always dark after work when I go visit, however they don't sell the decorative ones in the winter. She didn't even know I was looking for them - so it really meant a lot. I hate that it's so dark and gloomy at the cemetery. I like when the sun is shining right on him. I like when I see other footprints there or gifts that others have brought for him. It makes me happy to know when other people visit him. I hate that he is alone there. I wish I could go every single day. I wish everyone could go because I feel better when I know people have visited him. He's resting at a beautiful place - St. Patrick's Cemetery in Maple Grove. He is among an old friend of mine and a friend's sister. He's resting right next to a couple other babies as well. He's located in the most perfect spot because whenever the sun is shining, it shines right on him.


I just wanted to say that I'm ok. Ok is all I'm going to be for awhile. I'm miserable in my heart. But I can function and do things. I do sometimes have fun. Although it's not that often. I do sometimes smile and laugh. But mostly at the end of the day when work is over and I'm home alone with my husband the realization sets in that even though I am still a mom, I do not have those motherly responsibilities right now. My life is pretty boring and simple. What was is no longer and will never be...not in the same way anyways. And accepting that is the hardest thing in the world. To know that what I want most in the whole entire world is to see my boy again. And I can't have it. Missing you peanut.

life in a fog

I haven't written in awhile. Honestly it's because my words have escaped me. Usually I am never at a loss of words. I always have something to say/write (much to some of your demise! :) But lately I've really been in a fog. I just kind of go through the days, go through the motions. I feel like I live in a fog. My head is foggy. Everyone around me is moving on with their life. I'm trying to live my life as what it is now, but this is not the life I wanted. I want my old life back. I want the life where I was happy and fun and full of energy! Where I had my son and we were a little family of 3. But now I live a foggy life. Where I hold all the memories of my sweet peanut in my heart. Where I have to visit him at the cemetery. Where I talk to him but he's not physically here to listen. There are so many things that just aren't right. I sit in his room and cry and try to picture him in his crib, waking up from a nap. I try to picture the cute way he used to sleep with his butt up in the air. I try to picture him running around, climbing on everything. I climb the stairs and remember how he climbed those very stairs. I was cleaning the vents this weekend and thought about how he'd run his fingers across the vents all the time because it would make noise. I was baking cookies this weekend and couldn't find one of the measuring spoons. Noah used to always play in the cupboard where the measuring spoons were. I started to think that I bet it's under the stove somewhere from when he used to play with them. It made me smile and I could've cared less that I'll probably never find that measuring spoon. All I have now are these memories. I think that's part of the reason why I'm so foggy. Every single moment in life and everything I do reminds me of Noah in some way. So I cannot completely ever concentrate on something else. And it puts me in a fog. Somewhere between living in that moment and thinking about my peanut. And then there's always the future. That is so foggy. When we had Noah things seemed more clear. He would grow up and probably play sports and go to school, etc. We'd have one or two more children and life would go on the very same way. However now things are different. My viewpoint is different. Now I think when will we have more children? Will they live? Will they be healthy? Will I be happy? Will I just want Noah back? What will life be like in 10 years? Will I still cry everyday? Everything is so unknown now. The future is very cloudy. I realized you can only plan so much. And I am a planner....I wish I could plan my whole life out! But now I have to live each day for that day. I don't plan much anymore because I don't know what each day will bring. I just kind of go with the flow...at least I try to. I'm not a very "go with the flow" type of person. But life is different. I'm different. 


I try to make Noah proud in so many ways. There is a project in the works...but I will report nothing until details are all figured out! So it's a surprise :) But having something to focus on that would make him proud of me makes me so happy. I live my life for him now. I will never know why I got to live and he didn't, but I figure since I did live, I'm going to live for him and continue to do things that would make him happy and make him smile. I love that smile. I miss that smile.

This photo cracks me up. One Monday (daddy/noah day) I got an email with this picture in it. It said "Noey bought mommy a present!" It made me laugh out loud. To see his smiling face in a giant Favre jersey! I'm so mad at myself for returning this jersey. I figured I didn't really need it and I knew it costed a lot. I wish I would've kept it as Noah wore it. If I only knew...

3 months

It's been 3 months today. 3 months since I kissed your chubby cheeks. 3 months since I saw your smiling face. 3 months since I dropped you off at daycare in your cute new jeans and county fair t-shirt and never saw you alive again. 3 months since I changed you and fed you. 3 months since I got that phone call that changed my life forever. 3 months since I saw you laying on that hospital bed with tubes everywhere. 3 months since since they told me you were unresponsive and they had done all they could do. 3 months since I told them to take my heart so you could live. 3 awful, heartbreaking, emotional, depressing, unimaginable months. It's felt like an eternity since I've had you, Noah. I am forgetting what it was like to be a mom to you everyday. My reality now is that you aren't here and it's back to just daddy and me. We have no responsibility, no diaper bags to prep, no bottles to make, no diapers to change. Worst of all we don't have you. I still can't believe you're gone. I still think this happens to other people and not me. I'm still baffled by it all. I don't get it - I don't understand why us? Why you? I guess we will never understand. You deserved so much more - you deserved a life that was longer than 11 months. You deserved a birthday. You deserved to see the world. It's hard to imagine what you'd be doing now at 14 months. Walking and talking...God I wish I could see you do those things. It's something everyone takes for granted. All I know is that you had an amazing life for 11 months. But you were not supposed to die. I am not supposed to have a child that died. Our family is broken without you. We will never have a complete family photo, a complete family vacation, your future brothers or sisters will never get to meet their big brother. They will have to learn about death at a far earlier age than they were supposed to. This is not the life I wanted. But I wouldn't choose not to have had you. Had I of known what would happen, I would still choose you, Noah. You changed our lives, brought us so much happiness and love. I would choose you every time. 


As the months go on I will continue to miss you more and more. I will visit you today as I do every week. I will continue to hope and pray that you come back to us somehow, someway. That you continue to be our guardian angel and watch over us. I love you more than words. 


XOXO
mommy