good-bye Noah's room

I have not posted in ages - a month and a half! Wow! I have been meaning to. Actually almost everyday I think "I'm going to make a post" and then I feel like everything I have to say is the same things I've been saying for nearly 9 months. I feel like I've been waiting for something new to write about it and today is that day. 


Our new baby is arriving in approximately 2 months which means it's time to start actually planning for a new baby to come. With Noah I started planning/buying things right from the start. I was so excited I just couldn't wait. Although with this baby I don't need much since I already have everything, so I have been putting it off. It's just too hard to plan for a new baby when my last baby died. The hardest part is the nursery. We decided it would be best to change the nursery. We will keep the same room and the same furniture, but we have to change the decor. That is Noah's room and I feel like it's special to him. I can't have another baby in his exact same room. It's just too weird. We will use all his clothes and all his toys, but we made the decision to change the room. I was content with this decision because I could prolong it awhile and not have to think about it. However, now that time is here. It's being painted on Friday (thanks to a good friend who knows there is no way we could paint this room on our own).  I'm starting to panic. When we refer to this room now, we will no longer call it "Noah's Room" We will start referring to it as the new baby's room. All the paint, bedding, curtains...all that will change. It will be an entirely different baby's room. I'm excited about the new room because I like re-doing rooms. I'm excited about the bright cheerful colors and about the new baby. However actually packing up Noah's things and having to do something with them is so incredibly hard. I had a friend help me organize all the clothes so they are now separated out by month and ready to for this baby to use. But for the past 9 months I have been throwing everything in this room. Anything we get pertaining to Noah - documents, paperwork, gifts, cards, etc...it all gets put in his room. Now I actually have to do something with all this stuff. It's like I'm packing away Noah's life. I'm taking his 11 months and packing it away to prepare for a new baby. His room will be different, his clothes and toys will be used by a new baby. There will be few things that will remain just Noah's. I've been dreading this point for so long. I found the bag of his clothes that he wore on his last day - all cut to shreds. I totally lost it. Imagining him that day - I shutter. I can't get the image out of my head. I feel like as time goes on the memories are getting more distant. He is getting further away. I just want to do everything I can to hold him close to me. But time makes us move forward and do things like change his room and pack up his things. 


Missing that sweet little boy that would climb the stairs so fast and look back at you to make sure you were watching...and just laugh. 

missing my little man

I just miss him. I miss him so much. It's just not fair - I don't understand why Noah had to die. Why did it have to be my son? I don't wish that it was someone else's, but still...why mine? He was healthy and perfect. We really couldn't have asked for anyone better. He was so playful, outgoing, fun, and just brought so much joy and purpose to our lives. Now I am left trying to pick up the pieces. Many people think this must get easier over time but it does not. You just sadly get used to your child not being with you anymore. But it is never easier. My life now consists of having to deal with it in so many ways. Not only are you missing and grieving your child but there are so many layers. People constantly ask if you have children, or now that I am visibly pregnant people ask "Is this your first?" I always say "no" which then of course leads to "how old is your other one? boy or girl", etc. Almost everyday I deal with this question and how to answer it. Do you lie and say "he's 18 months" and then hope they don't ask anymore questions or do you tell them that your son died at 11 months old and deal with all the questions and awkwardness that stems from that? And sometimes how people respond to that makes everything worse. The other day a lady told me if one of her kids ever died she would kill herself. Then there is this new baby. Do I change the nursery? Use the same clothes? He will be using all Noah's toys, stroller, high chair, etc. Will it be hard because of all the memories or will be good because of all the memories? Then when this baby is born how will I ever sleep? I will be the most paranoid mom EVER! But I know that even if I stand over his crib and watch him sleep all night, it won't save him. SIDS happens instantly and if it's truly SIDS they cannot be saved. I know the likeliness of anything happening again is only 0.4% but still, what was the likeliness that a child would die from SIDS at 11 months old anyways? I struggle so much on a daily basis because all things baby/child related remind me of Noah. They remind me that my son is not here but these other children get to live long healthy lives. That's all I wanted for Noah. The day he was born I held him and said, "you're stuck with us forever." I really thought he was. Scott and I would dream of what sports he'd play, the things we'd do with him as he got older. All our hopes and dreams were shattered with one phone call that changed our lives forever. But then again sometimes baby things make me excited for this new baby. I am trying to find balance between grieving Noah and being excited for this new baby. Some days I focus more on Noah and some days I focus more on the new baby. I guess all parents feel guilt when they are having a 2nd child because they want to love this child as much as their 1st, etc. I don't want to compare this child to Noah. They are their own child. 


We have gotten pretty good at being able to be in social situations and "act" like we are ok. We can smile and laugh and have fun with people. But it's never 100% pure fun or pure happiness. We leave and reality sinks in. We are going home alone. To our quiet house. To just go to sleep. No babies crying, no bottles to make, no diapers to change, no one to focus on but ourselves. It's lonely and depressing. I think because we are so good at acting ok in front of others, people start to think you are moving on or that you are "better." This is definitely not the case. You do not move on from your child dying and you definitely don't ever get better. Instead you learn to live without your child. It's the most painful way to live. We always talk about Noah and we will talk about how we are feeling with others, but because we can talk and not cry or have major breakdowns, people think we are ok. We try to be good friends, we try to be there for our families, we try to do everything we think is right - but we still very much need to focus on ourselves, our marriage, our loss, and our new baby. While we might have a lot more time on our hands now than we did before, this time is consumed with our grief. Some days it is manageable and some days it is not. But we still very much need our friends and families support. We need to know that people are thinking of Noah. We want to talk about him. He is what we think of almost every second of everyday. And while we are beyond thrilled with this new little one coming in 3.5 months, it does not in anyway take away from our pain of losing Noah. This baby does not replace Noah. He is an addition to our family of 3. He is Noah's little brother, even though he will never get to meet him. 


In order to feel like we are still parenting Noah we try to put a lot of our focus into the golf tournament we are having in his honor this summer. The 1st annual Noah's Memorial Classic. We are SO excited about the great turnout we are going to have for this event. It is so important to us to have family and friends come together to honor our beautiful son and to raise money for such a great cause. We are so thankful for everyone who is participating in some way. It is truly amazing the things people will do. Especially those we might not be as close with anymore, old friends, acquaintances, etc. This is what keeps us going....the amazing support and love. Noah would be so proud and that in turn makes us happy. 

Mother's Day

Today is my first mother's day without my baby boy. I cannot believe it's been a year since the sweet little boy in the below picture walked through the door with daddy to bring me these mother's day flowers....and then he tried to grab a big handful of them and eat them :) 

This mother's day is bittersweet. While I am terribly missing Noah, my sweet angel who made me a mommy, I'm excited that I get to be a mommy again to another baby boy this September. It is a constant struggle to balance the grief I carry for Noah and the excitement I carry for this new baby. While I am so grateful to be given another chance at mommyhood, I can't help but wonder why I can't just have both my boys? It kills me to know they could be such close friends -they'd be just 22 months apart. This new baby will never get to meet his big brother. I wonder how he will answer the questions when he's older "How many siblings do you have?" I hate that this baby will have to learn about death so early on and only know about his big brother through pictures, videos, and stories we tell him. But we are very much looking forward to the day when we get to hold our new baby in our arms and kiss and snuggle him like crazy. 

Dear Noah,

Thank you for making me a mom. I'm so proud to be your mom. You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to my life. You changed me forever and while we only got 11 months together, you made such a huge impact on my life as well as the lives of others. You should be so proud of the life you had - as short as it was. You blessed us with so many smiles, laughs, and very happy memories that I will cherish all the days of my life. Please continue to be with us as we continue on this journey. Help watch over your little brother - he is so lucky to have you as a big brother. Send us a rainbow soon so I know you're smiling down on us. I miss you every day. I still sleep with your blankets, even though they don't smell like you anymore. I still kiss your pictures and pretend I'm kissing you. I cannot wait until the day I get to be with you again. 

I love you little monster,

Mommy

monkeys

Not only do rainbows remind me of Noah but monkeys do too! He had a monkey nursery complete with monkey bedding from pottery barn, monkey stuffed animals and an adorable monkey painting. His favorite monkey (that we buried him with) was his orange pottery barn monkey that I bought because it matched the bedding (I had to have the COMPLETE set). 


Several days after Noah died my friends convinced me to go for a walk around the pond by my parents house (we stayed there for a couple weeks until we were ready to go home). As we walked, I saw this random monkey stuffed animal puppet sitting on a bench. I should have taken it (or at least taken a picture) but I wasn't thinking clearly at that time (and it probably belonged to a child that would come back for it!) but at that moment I knew it was Noah sending me a sign that he was ok and that he was thinking of me. 


The other day I went to Babies R Us to buy a present for someone (my LEAST favorite place right now). It was hard - it was a Saturday afternoon (wrong time to go there) and packed with little kids. It brought back so many memories. I actually saw a girl crying to her husband while I was there. He was hugging her and comforting her. I immediately wondered if her child died too. It's awful how my mind immediately jumps to that. Anyways, as I was checking out I looked over and saw this monkey stuffed animal sitting on a random shelf with a bunch of video games. It was just staring at me. I had to laugh. It was not just any monkey stuffed animal but the exact same one that we have in Noah's room. I knew it was Noah telling me he was there with me and it immediately made me smile. 


Thank you Noah for the signs that you're with us! Please keep sending them! It's the only way I get through each day and know you are with us. 

the monkey in Noah's room

the monkey at Babies R Us @ the checkout aisle

happy 17 month birthday little man

17 months ago today was the happiest day of my life. I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. Our hearts were filled with happiness. I have a video that Scott took of us in the hospital. I was holding Noah and talking to him...I told him he was stuck with us forever. At that moment I was prepared to take care of Noah for the rest of his life. I wasn't prepared for only 11 months. I wish so badly I got more time. I wish so badly he was here today. I don't know what 17 months looks like. I can't imagine what he'd be doing or what he'd look like. It's been almost 6 months that he's been gone and he seems so far away. I remember him, everything about him, his smiles, his facial expressions, his infectious laugh, our memories, everything. But I am forgetting what it's like to mother him. To have to make bottles, change diapers, pack a diaper bag, eat out for early dinners because he had to be home and in bed at 8pm or he'd start getting crabby. I forget what it's like to not sleep as much, to always be planning for the next phase of his life and the things we need to buy/learn to accommodate that. It kills me that those things were once second nature and I now am forgetting what that was like. Because now it is just Scott and I. We can sleep when we want, come and go as we please, do whatever we want. When we had Noah I missed those things at times. I obviously would never have traded him to have those things back, but you naturally want to sleep more, have more time, date nights, etc. But life without children is boring. It has no purpose (to me anyways). Children give you the greatest gift - they love you unconditionally, they need you, rely on you, trust in you. And I've never felt more successful, more loved, or happier in my life than the 11 months we had Noah. 


We are very fortunate to have friends and family who are continually supporting us. However other SIDS moms warned me that things get harder around this time because peoples lives have moved on. And I absolutely understand that. They should move on. They are not faced with this tragedy that we are. They don't live it every single day. We can't expect people to "live" with us for weeks like everyone did those first few weeks. Our friends have their children and they are loving life and watching them grow. Their lives revolve around them as they should. But meanwhile we are lost and feel so alone. We are stuck between being parents and not being parents. Our relationships with people have changed because we have changed. I hate everything that has changed. I've never been one to embrace change so that makes this even harder. 

We will still fight as hard as we can to survive because that is what Noah would want. I will still live my life the way he'd want me to so that he can be proud of his mama. With that, we love doing everything we can to honor him. I'm sure most of you have heard but we are throwing a golf tournament on July 22nd at Fox Hollow Golf Course in St. Michael to honor Noah and raise money for SIDS research. All proceeds with go to the CJ Foundation for SIDS and the SIDS Institute. I have attached the registration form. If you are interested in golfing, attending the dinner/silent auction, sponsoring a hole, or sending a donation, please see the information on this registration form. If you would like to donate a prize or item for the silent auction, we would greatly appreciate it! We have already started receiving some amazing donations and prizes and are so very thankful for everyones support. We are really excited about getting everyone together for this event to honor our beautiful boy and raise awareness and money for SIDS research. I'm not sure they'll ever find a cause or a cure in my lifetime, but I have to know that we are doing everything we can so that hopefully one day parents will not have to live their life without their child. 


Happy 17 months sweet peanut. I'm missing you every second of everyday. Everything I see, everything I do, every moment I live reminds me of you. Please send me a rainbow soon! I need to know you're with us all the time. I love you so much. 
XOXO, mommy

the bad days and the ok days

It's so strange to think that most of my days before Noah died were good days. Great days in fact. Of course every once in awhile I would have a bad day or something bad would happen. I would think it was the worst thing in the world. I've gone through most of my life considering myself extremely unlucky. Even though I had an amazing husband, friends, family, and most importantly my son, I still always felt like if something strange, different, bad, unexpected could happen, it would happen to me. Little did I know I was the luckiest person in the world until that day Noah died. I wish I would've taken the time to realize that all the things I've gone through in my life were NOTHING until I lost the most important person I had. It is now so hard for me to hear people complain about such trivial things when they in fact do not have it as bad as they think. It's hard to fault them because until you've experienced such tragedy, you truly don't understand. So you go on thinking that a car accident, a snow storm, a bad day at work, being late to a meeting, is the worst thing in the world. You let the stress of life overcome your life to the point where you don't enjoy it because you are complaining so much about how things could be different....I understand...I've done that. But trust me when I tell you that no matter what your pain or suffering in life, NOTHING is comparable to losing a child. Not a parent, a friend, a sibling, nothing. I know those are all absolutely horrific loses. But it does not compare. I wish everyday Noah was here but just sick in the hospital. I wish I lost my house, my cars, my money. I wish horrible things that no one would want but in return for my child. Because at the end of the day, your children are all that matter. You created them, you taught them what they know, they changed your life. They made you a mom or a dad. They bring you more happiness than anyone or anything else can. And if all you have is your children, that is all you need. 

Yesterday I did the most unimaginable thing. Scott and I sat down and designed the monument marker that will be placed at the cemetery. It was the most heart wrenching thing we've ever done. How sick and wrong is it to design a stone that will mark the place of where your child is buried? I felt like it was the last big thing we did for him and it had to be perfect. It had to represent him. Although our cemetery only allows flat markers now so our options were limited. When I called the cemetery to get the requirement information (another horrible day - why was I calling a cemetery for my son??), the man said "well, babies are very small so you won't have a lot of room to work with." Seriously? Like I didn't know that my son was 21 lbs and 11 months old and TOO YOUNG to die! Like I didn't know that he was too little! The horrifying thoughts of him in his casket came rushing back to me. How small it was. How little he looked inside. The whole process makes me want to scream. I totally broke down. I never in my life thought that on a random Wednesday night, Scott and I would be doing what we did. 

Today is the 4 year anniversary of when my Grandpa Joe died. St. Patricks Day is always such a fun and celebratory day for most people, but it marks a very important day in my life. I had gotten the chance to spend a lot of time with my grandpa before he died since I lived in CT at the time. He died shortly before Scott and my wedding that he wanted so badly to attend. I remember when we found out we were having a boy, we right away thought his middle name should be Joseph after my grandpa. Grandpa Joe was such a silly person...goofy, full of life, always making jokes (he hit on the nurses at the nursing home on a daily basis of that gives you any indication of his personality). In the months after Noah was born and starting to develop a personality, I couldn't believe how similar him and grandpa were. I was so saddened by the fact that grandpa didn't get to meet Noah. I knew he would have LOVED playing with him and making goofy faces at him. They had a bond - I just knew it. Noah having his middle name could not have been more fitting. He was so much like him! They are together now and I am happy to know that grandpa and Noah finally get to meet and play together. 

Through these very tough days, there have been glimmers of happiness. I am continually grateful for how thoughtful and supportive people continue to me. I have received many great things to help us remember Noah. But I have to write about the most thoughtful gift I received a couple weeks ago. A friend from high school runs a daycare in her home. One day I received a package in the mail from them. Each child had painted a rainbow on a piece of paper. On the back side was what really sent me to tears. My friend had shown the children a photo of Noah and asked them to tell her what came to their mind when they saw him and what they thought he was doing in heaven. So on the back of each rainbow were messages from the children about Noah: his big blue eyes, his "soft" hair, etc. And then what they thought he was doing in heaven: playing soccer, playing in the sand, etc. It is amazing to think of things from a child's perspective. They have such a real and simple interpretation. I will cherish these pictures forever. I hope she doesn't mind that I post the photos....they are so unbelievable, I just had to share. Thank you S!

Noah's 1st Birthday

Noah's 1st birthday was less than a month after he passed away on Nov. 4. I wasn't blogging yet and I sure was ready to share photos or memories about that day. But I think I am now. Birthdays are really special in my family. My parents always made a big deal out of them...so much so that I even celebrated my half birthday up until this year! So needless to say Noah's 1st birthday was going to be a memorable one! I started planning months in advance. Nothing big, just thinking about the theme, food, decor, etc. I decided I wanted a Mickey Mouse themed party since he LOVED Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I ordered some things from Etsy, even a special t-shirt for the bday boy to wear that day. Scott is a graphic designer so he was going to create Noah's bday invite. Things were finally starting to come together. The night before Noah died we had a photo shoot at our house with him. We dressed him up all cute and took pictures that would be options for the invite. Here are were some of the photos taken that night. His last night with us. I'm so happy I have these but they break my heart all at the same time. He was becoming a boy and such a cute and fun one at that. 

my favorite! I love that smile!

I'll fast forward to after Noah died. Many people have some time before that first birthday after their child dies. They get some time to process and grieve. Not that it makes it any easier or harder but I was thrown into that first big milestone day less than a month after he died. I knew I had to acknowledge his birthday. I knew it was not going to be the birthday I had hoped for. How do you have a 1st birthday party for your son that has just died? But birthdays are too big and important in our family to just let the day slide by. Besides the fact that 1 year ago on that Nov. 4 was the greatest day of our lives! Noah was born and brought into our lives. He changed our lives forever and that deserved to be celebrated. Luckily I have amazing friends and family and I didn't have to do anything to set up for Noah's birthday. We decided to invite friends and family over to our house for a sky lantern launch (thanks to Carly for coming up with this idea and buying all of these for us!). We had chili and cornbread (one of my favs that my parents brought over for everyone - I could not even think about cooking at this point so we needed to keep it simple). We had cupcakes and sang happy birthday to Noah as devastating and depressing as that was. But most of all, friends and family came together on this very special day to be there for us and celebrate the amazing boy that Noah was, the great 11 months we had with him, and to acknowledge how this tragedy has changed all of our lives forever. This was NOT the birthday it was supposed to be. But it still was his birthday. It was the anniversary to the day he was born and that will never change. We will always celebrate his birthday for he was here, he was alive, and he is the most amazing person I've ever met. How do you not celebrate that? I wish so badly he was here for his bday. I  anticipated him ripping open presents, I so badly wanted to see how he'd dive into his own little cake, and most importantly it was his 1st birthday! Such a special and important milestone. I hoped for happy memories of that day but instead I was overcome by sadness and such great loss. Here are some photos from Noah's 1st birthday. While he was not here with us physically, I know he was here with us that day and eating tons of cake in heaven! 

we decorated the paper lanterns with birthday wishes for Noah

Noah's birthday t-shirt - we all wrote messages to him

we ate and drank the tears away

Noah's friends played  

the sky lantern launch was amazing. It took some time to get the hang of it, and one got caught on a neighbor's house (thankfully nothing started on fire!!) but overall it was a big success and we plan to do it every year. 

I will never forget that day and everyone who was there for us. Thank you! I can't believe he'd be 16 months old this Friday. I hate that time keeps moving on. I wish I could relive Oct. 6th over and over and over again.