Dear Noah,
I can't believe it's 2012. I can't believe I went the entire 2011 without you. I can't believe you've been gone 1 year and 3 months. I can't believe you'd be over 2 years old. I can't believe you have a 4 month old little brother with us now. I can't believe this is still my life.
A lot of days now I can go without crying. I can actually be happy. I'm so happy to have your little brother. He brings mommy so much joy! He reminds me so much of you in so many ways, yet he definitely has his own distinct personality as well. He's mischevious like you. I can already tell. He's really silly and goofy like you too. He has a big smile like yours, but he does not have your laugh. Your laugh is like no other - I long for the day I'll hear you laugh again. Until then, I still watch your videos all the time so I can hear you, see you, and listen to that adorable little laugh. Although I am learning how to be happy, I still miss you so much it hurts. I know that will never go away. Everyone says the hard days get fewer and farther in between. I guess that is true, but the hard days are so very hard. I just wish so badly I could have both you and Oliver here. I wish I could watch you interact with each other. I wonder every day what it would be like to have 2 crazy, silly boys here with me. I know Oliver would think the world of you and I know you would LOVE playing with him. You'd probably torment him in some way, knowing you :) But I bet he wouldn't even mind. I wish I could have a picture of both of you together. In fact, I wish I could have a picture of our whole family together. It's so unfair that it has to be this way. I see so many other families at Target or while out and about that have a little boy your age and another child. I wonder if they realize how lucky they are. How lucky they are to have both of their children with them. To hold and hug and kiss both of them.
As you probably know, we are beginning to work on your golf tournament for 2012! The 2nd Annual Noah's Memorial Classic. We are so excited to do this for you again, peanut. Daddy and I just finished designing the website so that people can get information and register and donate online this year.
**(the website will be up next month with details about the tournament so stay tuned! www.noahsmemorialclassic.com)**
We hope this year can be as successful as last year. We are happy to be able to do something so wonderful in your name and get all our family and friends together for such a great cause! We want to raise awareness of SIDS and raise money for SIDS research, but we also just want people to come together and talk about you, look at your pictures, and honor you and the amazing 11 months you were with us.
I know you are watching over us all the time. I know that every time the dining room china hutch light is mysteriously on, it's you telling me you're with me. I know every night when I unwind after the day and watch tv and see that shadow quickly sweep over the room, I know you're right there. I wish I could see you and hold you and kiss you. I wish I knew what you'd be like at 2 years old. But I do know we will be together again. I do know you're an amazing son and big brother. And I do know how very lucky I am to have had you for the short time I did. You changed my life - you made it better. You are an angel and I can say I made an angel, I held an angel, and I love you so very very much.
xoxo mommy
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
the room change
This is a post I should have made a long time ago, but I wanted to share how we transformed Noah's room into Oliver's room since I talked so much about how difficult it was to make that transition and to decide to "change" the room. I still think of it as Noah's room as well as Oliver's room. I feel like Noah is still in that room watching over his little brother. But I do call it "Oliver's Room" more and more. For awhile, while we were transitioning it, I couldn't call it that. I just called it "The Nursery" or "The Baby's Room". It felt weird to stop calling it "Noah's Room." But as you'll see, there are still very much parts of Noah in this new room.
Here is Noah's room as it was left after he died. It was a Pottery Barn Monkey theme.
Here are the messages we wrote on the walls before they got painted. We changed where the crib is placed. So on the wall where Noah's crib was we wrote messages to him. On the wall where Oliver's crib would go we wrote messages to him.
Here is Noah's room as it was left after he died. It was a Pottery Barn Monkey theme.
Here are the messages we wrote on the walls before they got painted. We changed where the crib is placed. So on the wall where Noah's crib was we wrote messages to him. On the wall where Oliver's crib would go we wrote messages to him.
And here is Oliver's room. It's completely different!!
There is a rainbow mobile to represent Noah watching over his brother while he sleeps.
This is the part of the wall we left unpainted from Noah's room. It's framed out and has a guardian angel quote.
So as you can see the room is completely transformed, yet there are still very much pieces of Noah in this room. It is definitely a bright and cheerful room. I'm so happy with how it turned out and I'm happy that Oliver gets his own room that is special to him, yet his brother is still very much a part of it.
There is no way I could have done this room by myself. My friend Sarah Martin (from Majesty Companies) is an interior designer and helped me create the look and feel I wanted for this room. She painted the whole thing herself as well. She's amazing!!!
Friday, October 21, 2011
a new chapter
I have not written in months! Wow! Time has been flying by! I feel like I have so much to write about I don't even know where to begin.
A new chapter of our life has begun. Unfortunately it is a chapter without Noah. I honestly still cannot believe a year later that Noah is gone. October 7 was the one year anniversary of Noah's death. I look at his pictures and it feels like forever ago that I saw him and held him. It feels like a completely different lifetime to be honest. So much has happened in this past year. We have changed and evolved and brought new life to our family. The one year mark was so hard. The days leading up to it were impossible. I cried so much just wishing I didn't have to live through another October 7th. But when the day finally came I made it through just like every other day. Unfortunately Scott had to leave that day for an out of town wedding he was the best man in. Two of my very good friends left their families and lives for the weekend to stay with me and our new son Oliver (I'll get to that next). Thank God for amazing friends. I could not have gotten through that weekend without them (and a little cake vodka! :)
Back up to September 8 - the day our beautiful and amazing son Oliver Noah was born. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it was to see this little guy for the very first time. I had a long and difficult pregnancy. It started out in the ER (where Noah died - just 4 months after) due to a hemorage between my placenta and uterus. I was bleeding a lot. They told me the baby was ok but if the blood clot grew it could separate from the placenta and we'd lose the baby. Of course I was a wreck. Why oh why after just losing my son could I not have a perfect pregnancy? We were very luck to get pregnant so quickly but I was not ready for any more losses. I was on modified bed rest for the first couple months which is also when I lost my job! Crazy start to the year. We hardly told anyone I was pregnant until 20 weeks when the clot finally dissolved and went away!!! There were a few other bumps in the road but other than that we just waited and prayed so hard. After having the unthinkable happen to you, you start to think that everything is going to go wrong. I was so terrified the whole pregnancy. Luckily after 9 long months we finally got to meet our little guy. He came out screaming - I finally let out the breath I had been holding for 9 months. A HUGE 9lbs 9oz and absolutely perfect. I can't say I felt complete, since part of me will always be missing. But I felt this major void had been filled back up. I felt joy and true happiness again. I never imagined I could be so happy again. Our sweet Oliver has filled our house with love, noise, baby stuff, toys....and we love it! He is now 6 weeks old and we are loving every moment with him. To hold him, snuggle him, kiss him...it's what I've been yearning for for so long. We talk to him about his big brother every day. We take him to the cemetery to visit him. He wears his big brother's clothes, sleeps in his bassinet, uses his car seat, etc. Noah is with us and is always watching over Oliver. We know it. We are learning to live again and enjoy life again. It is not the same and it never will be. But it's our next chapter and we feel so blessed to have Oliver to share that chapter with.
I have also discovered more ways to help me feel like I am still parenting Noah and still connected to him. I decided that every year on his birthday (coming up on November 4th) that we will choose a charity to donate to. I have made my decision but haven't let the charity know yet so I'm keeping it a surprise until his birthday. The charity will be a smaller scale charity than the larger SIDS organizations. We will also donate toys to Toys for Tots in honor of Noah's bday. The toys will be age appropriate for the year that Noah is. So this year we will donate toys suited for a 2 year old.
We are heading to Faith's Lodge next weekend - exactly one year after our first visit. I cannot believe that one year later we have raised enough money to dedicate a suite at Faith's Lodge to Noah! We have raised $25,000 for Faith's Lodge! We donated $10,000 from Noah's tournament and our dear friend Laura - her family's foundation is giving them $15,000 in Noah's name. We know Noah would be so proud and we are so proud to have had this little boy who makes so many people want to do good in his name! We can't wait to go there and see the suite that will be dedicated to him!! Laura made a great point - Oliver might have Noah's bedroom now, but now Noah can have a very special room dedicated just to him where other families can heal.
A new chapter of our life has begun. Unfortunately it is a chapter without Noah. I honestly still cannot believe a year later that Noah is gone. October 7 was the one year anniversary of Noah's death. I look at his pictures and it feels like forever ago that I saw him and held him. It feels like a completely different lifetime to be honest. So much has happened in this past year. We have changed and evolved and brought new life to our family. The one year mark was so hard. The days leading up to it were impossible. I cried so much just wishing I didn't have to live through another October 7th. But when the day finally came I made it through just like every other day. Unfortunately Scott had to leave that day for an out of town wedding he was the best man in. Two of my very good friends left their families and lives for the weekend to stay with me and our new son Oliver (I'll get to that next). Thank God for amazing friends. I could not have gotten through that weekend without them (and a little cake vodka! :)
Back up to September 8 - the day our beautiful and amazing son Oliver Noah was born. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it was to see this little guy for the very first time. I had a long and difficult pregnancy. It started out in the ER (where Noah died - just 4 months after) due to a hemorage between my placenta and uterus. I was bleeding a lot. They told me the baby was ok but if the blood clot grew it could separate from the placenta and we'd lose the baby. Of course I was a wreck. Why oh why after just losing my son could I not have a perfect pregnancy? We were very luck to get pregnant so quickly but I was not ready for any more losses. I was on modified bed rest for the first couple months which is also when I lost my job! Crazy start to the year. We hardly told anyone I was pregnant until 20 weeks when the clot finally dissolved and went away!!! There were a few other bumps in the road but other than that we just waited and prayed so hard. After having the unthinkable happen to you, you start to think that everything is going to go wrong. I was so terrified the whole pregnancy. Luckily after 9 long months we finally got to meet our little guy. He came out screaming - I finally let out the breath I had been holding for 9 months. A HUGE 9lbs 9oz and absolutely perfect. I can't say I felt complete, since part of me will always be missing. But I felt this major void had been filled back up. I felt joy and true happiness again. I never imagined I could be so happy again. Our sweet Oliver has filled our house with love, noise, baby stuff, toys....and we love it! He is now 6 weeks old and we are loving every moment with him. To hold him, snuggle him, kiss him...it's what I've been yearning for for so long. We talk to him about his big brother every day. We take him to the cemetery to visit him. He wears his big brother's clothes, sleeps in his bassinet, uses his car seat, etc. Noah is with us and is always watching over Oliver. We know it. We are learning to live again and enjoy life again. It is not the same and it never will be. But it's our next chapter and we feel so blessed to have Oliver to share that chapter with.
I have also discovered more ways to help me feel like I am still parenting Noah and still connected to him. I decided that every year on his birthday (coming up on November 4th) that we will choose a charity to donate to. I have made my decision but haven't let the charity know yet so I'm keeping it a surprise until his birthday. The charity will be a smaller scale charity than the larger SIDS organizations. We will also donate toys to Toys for Tots in honor of Noah's bday. The toys will be age appropriate for the year that Noah is. So this year we will donate toys suited for a 2 year old.
We are heading to Faith's Lodge next weekend - exactly one year after our first visit. I cannot believe that one year later we have raised enough money to dedicate a suite at Faith's Lodge to Noah! We have raised $25,000 for Faith's Lodge! We donated $10,000 from Noah's tournament and our dear friend Laura - her family's foundation is giving them $15,000 in Noah's name. We know Noah would be so proud and we are so proud to have had this little boy who makes so many people want to do good in his name! We can't wait to go there and see the suite that will be dedicated to him!! Laura made a great point - Oliver might have Noah's bedroom now, but now Noah can have a very special room dedicated just to him where other families can heal.
Noah's little brother - Oliver Noah (6 weeks old)
Monday, August 1, 2011
Noah's Memorial Classic 2011
I've been MIA for awhile. The planning and organizing for the 1st Annual Noah's Memorial Classic took a lot out of me. Especially at 8 months pregnant!! But I am so happy to say our event to honor Noah was a tremendous success!!!
We started planning the golf tournament soon after the first of the year. Our good friends at Acceleration Northwest were kind enough to sponsor the tournament. And not only did they sponsor us, but they did a lot of work with the organizing of golf, financials, etc. We could not have done this event without them.
I've never even attended a golf tournament before, let alone planned one. But somehow we pulled it off! On July 22nd, we had 160 golfers at Fox Hollow Golf Course on a 95 degree day sweating their butts off for such a great cause! We are so thankful also for our 20 hole sponsors! I give major credit to the ones that sat at their hole all day in the heat! We had games at some of the holes to help us raise money and also offer incentives to the golfers. At each hole there was a photo of Noah along with another baby who has lost their life to SIDS. While we planned this event to honor Noah, it was not only for him. It was for all his friends in heaven who have lost their life way too soon.
We had an additional 125 people join us after golf for dinner. So all in all we had almost 300 people at our first event! We sold jewelry, had a raffle, a band (thanks to our friends Jerry Rodes!!), and over 100 silent auction items. After the night was over, we took the balloon decorations and had a balloon send off to Noah. It was the perfect way to end the evening. After it was all said and done we raised close to $25,000! The money we raised will go to the CJ Foundation for SIDS and Faith's Lodge in Noah's name. Both of these foundations are very near and dear to our hearts and have been a huge support to us over the last (almost) 10 months. We wanted the money we raised to go to the research of SIDS as well as helping families who have and unfortunately will lose their child in this horrific way.
We've kept a small chunk of money in the account for the holiday season. We plan to adopt a family and donate toys to Toys for Tots in Noah's name. Noah LOVED all his toys and we know he'd want us to help other kids who are not as fortunate to have toys to play with.
My very talented friend from West Meadow Photography donated her day and expertise to taking pictures to document our day.
CLICK HERE TO SEE PICTURES!!!
Thank you to everyone who contributed in some way to helping make this event such a success! We are so thankful to everyone for wanting to honor our son. We know Noah would be so proud and that makes us happy. I never imagined I would be planning charity golf tournaments in my child's name. It's just not something you think you should ever have to do. I still can't believe he's not here. It just baffles me that this is my life. I miss him more than words can ever describe. While I'm blown away by everyone's support and generosity, I wish everyday I could just have my son back instead. This was all for you Noah! We love and miss you so much peanut!
Noah's Memorial Classic will become an annual event where we can honor the most amazing little boy who only got a short 11 months with us, to help raise money for SIDS research and awareness, and to help other families who know the pain of losing a child. We appreciate your continued love + support so much!!
We started planning the golf tournament soon after the first of the year. Our good friends at Acceleration Northwest were kind enough to sponsor the tournament. And not only did they sponsor us, but they did a lot of work with the organizing of golf, financials, etc. We could not have done this event without them.
I've never even attended a golf tournament before, let alone planned one. But somehow we pulled it off! On July 22nd, we had 160 golfers at Fox Hollow Golf Course on a 95 degree day sweating their butts off for such a great cause! We are so thankful also for our 20 hole sponsors! I give major credit to the ones that sat at their hole all day in the heat! We had games at some of the holes to help us raise money and also offer incentives to the golfers. At each hole there was a photo of Noah along with another baby who has lost their life to SIDS. While we planned this event to honor Noah, it was not only for him. It was for all his friends in heaven who have lost their life way too soon.
We had an additional 125 people join us after golf for dinner. So all in all we had almost 300 people at our first event! We sold jewelry, had a raffle, a band (thanks to our friends Jerry Rodes!!), and over 100 silent auction items. After the night was over, we took the balloon decorations and had a balloon send off to Noah. It was the perfect way to end the evening. After it was all said and done we raised close to $25,000! The money we raised will go to the CJ Foundation for SIDS and Faith's Lodge in Noah's name. Both of these foundations are very near and dear to our hearts and have been a huge support to us over the last (almost) 10 months. We wanted the money we raised to go to the research of SIDS as well as helping families who have and unfortunately will lose their child in this horrific way.
We've kept a small chunk of money in the account for the holiday season. We plan to adopt a family and donate toys to Toys for Tots in Noah's name. Noah LOVED all his toys and we know he'd want us to help other kids who are not as fortunate to have toys to play with.
My very talented friend from West Meadow Photography donated her day and expertise to taking pictures to document our day.
CLICK HERE TO SEE PICTURES!!!
Thank you to everyone who contributed in some way to helping make this event such a success! We are so thankful to everyone for wanting to honor our son. We know Noah would be so proud and that makes us happy. I never imagined I would be planning charity golf tournaments in my child's name. It's just not something you think you should ever have to do. I still can't believe he's not here. It just baffles me that this is my life. I miss him more than words can ever describe. While I'm blown away by everyone's support and generosity, I wish everyday I could just have my son back instead. This was all for you Noah! We love and miss you so much peanut!
Noah's Memorial Classic will become an annual event where we can honor the most amazing little boy who only got a short 11 months with us, to help raise money for SIDS research and awareness, and to help other families who know the pain of losing a child. We appreciate your continued love + support so much!!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
good-bye Noah's room
I have not posted in ages - a month and a half! Wow! I have been meaning to. Actually almost everyday I think "I'm going to make a post" and then I feel like everything I have to say is the same things I've been saying for nearly 9 months. I feel like I've been waiting for something new to write about it and today is that day.
Our new baby is arriving in approximately 2 months which means it's time to start actually planning for a new baby to come. With Noah I started planning/buying things right from the start. I was so excited I just couldn't wait. Although with this baby I don't need much since I already have everything, so I have been putting it off. It's just too hard to plan for a new baby when my last baby died. The hardest part is the nursery. We decided it would be best to change the nursery. We will keep the same room and the same furniture, but we have to change the decor. That is Noah's room and I feel like it's special to him. I can't have another baby in his exact same room. It's just too weird. We will use all his clothes and all his toys, but we made the decision to change the room. I was content with this decision because I could prolong it awhile and not have to think about it. However, now that time is here. It's being painted on Friday (thanks to a good friend who knows there is no way we could paint this room on our own). I'm starting to panic. When we refer to this room now, we will no longer call it "Noah's Room" We will start referring to it as the new baby's room. All the paint, bedding, curtains...all that will change. It will be an entirely different baby's room. I'm excited about the new room because I like re-doing rooms. I'm excited about the bright cheerful colors and about the new baby. However actually packing up Noah's things and having to do something with them is so incredibly hard. I had a friend help me organize all the clothes so they are now separated out by month and ready to for this baby to use. But for the past 9 months I have been throwing everything in this room. Anything we get pertaining to Noah - documents, paperwork, gifts, cards, etc...it all gets put in his room. Now I actually have to do something with all this stuff. It's like I'm packing away Noah's life. I'm taking his 11 months and packing it away to prepare for a new baby. His room will be different, his clothes and toys will be used by a new baby. There will be few things that will remain just Noah's. I've been dreading this point for so long. I found the bag of his clothes that he wore on his last day - all cut to shreds. I totally lost it. Imagining him that day - I shutter. I can't get the image out of my head. I feel like as time goes on the memories are getting more distant. He is getting further away. I just want to do everything I can to hold him close to me. But time makes us move forward and do things like change his room and pack up his things.
Missing that sweet little boy that would climb the stairs so fast and look back at you to make sure you were watching...and just laugh.
Our new baby is arriving in approximately 2 months which means it's time to start actually planning for a new baby to come. With Noah I started planning/buying things right from the start. I was so excited I just couldn't wait. Although with this baby I don't need much since I already have everything, so I have been putting it off. It's just too hard to plan for a new baby when my last baby died. The hardest part is the nursery. We decided it would be best to change the nursery. We will keep the same room and the same furniture, but we have to change the decor. That is Noah's room and I feel like it's special to him. I can't have another baby in his exact same room. It's just too weird. We will use all his clothes and all his toys, but we made the decision to change the room. I was content with this decision because I could prolong it awhile and not have to think about it. However, now that time is here. It's being painted on Friday (thanks to a good friend who knows there is no way we could paint this room on our own). I'm starting to panic. When we refer to this room now, we will no longer call it "Noah's Room" We will start referring to it as the new baby's room. All the paint, bedding, curtains...all that will change. It will be an entirely different baby's room. I'm excited about the new room because I like re-doing rooms. I'm excited about the bright cheerful colors and about the new baby. However actually packing up Noah's things and having to do something with them is so incredibly hard. I had a friend help me organize all the clothes so they are now separated out by month and ready to for this baby to use. But for the past 9 months I have been throwing everything in this room. Anything we get pertaining to Noah - documents, paperwork, gifts, cards, etc...it all gets put in his room. Now I actually have to do something with all this stuff. It's like I'm packing away Noah's life. I'm taking his 11 months and packing it away to prepare for a new baby. His room will be different, his clothes and toys will be used by a new baby. There will be few things that will remain just Noah's. I've been dreading this point for so long. I found the bag of his clothes that he wore on his last day - all cut to shreds. I totally lost it. Imagining him that day - I shutter. I can't get the image out of my head. I feel like as time goes on the memories are getting more distant. He is getting further away. I just want to do everything I can to hold him close to me. But time makes us move forward and do things like change his room and pack up his things.
Missing that sweet little boy that would climb the stairs so fast and look back at you to make sure you were watching...and just laugh.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
missing my little man
I just miss him. I miss him so much. It's just not fair - I don't understand why Noah had to die. Why did it have to be my son? I don't wish that it was someone else's, but still...why mine? He was healthy and perfect. We really couldn't have asked for anyone better. He was so playful, outgoing, fun, and just brought so much joy and purpose to our lives. Now I am left trying to pick up the pieces. Many people think this must get easier over time but it does not. You just sadly get used to your child not being with you anymore. But it is never easier. My life now consists of having to deal with it in so many ways. Not only are you missing and grieving your child but there are so many layers. People constantly ask if you have children, or now that I am visibly pregnant people ask "Is this your first?" I always say "no" which then of course leads to "how old is your other one? boy or girl", etc. Almost everyday I deal with this question and how to answer it. Do you lie and say "he's 18 months" and then hope they don't ask anymore questions or do you tell them that your son died at 11 months old and deal with all the questions and awkwardness that stems from that? And sometimes how people respond to that makes everything worse. The other day a lady told me if one of her kids ever died she would kill herself. Then there is this new baby. Do I change the nursery? Use the same clothes? He will be using all Noah's toys, stroller, high chair, etc. Will it be hard because of all the memories or will be good because of all the memories? Then when this baby is born how will I ever sleep? I will be the most paranoid mom EVER! But I know that even if I stand over his crib and watch him sleep all night, it won't save him. SIDS happens instantly and if it's truly SIDS they cannot be saved. I know the likeliness of anything happening again is only 0.4% but still, what was the likeliness that a child would die from SIDS at 11 months old anyways? I struggle so much on a daily basis because all things baby/child related remind me of Noah. They remind me that my son is not here but these other children get to live long healthy lives. That's all I wanted for Noah. The day he was born I held him and said, "you're stuck with us forever." I really thought he was. Scott and I would dream of what sports he'd play, the things we'd do with him as he got older. All our hopes and dreams were shattered with one phone call that changed our lives forever. But then again sometimes baby things make me excited for this new baby. I am trying to find balance between grieving Noah and being excited for this new baby. Some days I focus more on Noah and some days I focus more on the new baby. I guess all parents feel guilt when they are having a 2nd child because they want to love this child as much as their 1st, etc. I don't want to compare this child to Noah. They are their own child.
We have gotten pretty good at being able to be in social situations and "act" like we are ok. We can smile and laugh and have fun with people. But it's never 100% pure fun or pure happiness. We leave and reality sinks in. We are going home alone. To our quiet house. To just go to sleep. No babies crying, no bottles to make, no diapers to change, no one to focus on but ourselves. It's lonely and depressing. I think because we are so good at acting ok in front of others, people start to think you are moving on or that you are "better." This is definitely not the case. You do not move on from your child dying and you definitely don't ever get better. Instead you learn to live without your child. It's the most painful way to live. We always talk about Noah and we will talk about how we are feeling with others, but because we can talk and not cry or have major breakdowns, people think we are ok. We try to be good friends, we try to be there for our families, we try to do everything we think is right - but we still very much need to focus on ourselves, our marriage, our loss, and our new baby. While we might have a lot more time on our hands now than we did before, this time is consumed with our grief. Some days it is manageable and some days it is not. But we still very much need our friends and families support. We need to know that people are thinking of Noah. We want to talk about him. He is what we think of almost every second of everyday. And while we are beyond thrilled with this new little one coming in 3.5 months, it does not in anyway take away from our pain of losing Noah. This baby does not replace Noah. He is an addition to our family of 3. He is Noah's little brother, even though he will never get to meet him.
In order to feel like we are still parenting Noah we try to put a lot of our focus into the golf tournament we are having in his honor this summer. The 1st annual Noah's Memorial Classic. We are SO excited about the great turnout we are going to have for this event. It is so important to us to have family and friends come together to honor our beautiful son and to raise money for such a great cause. We are so thankful for everyone who is participating in some way. It is truly amazing the things people will do. Especially those we might not be as close with anymore, old friends, acquaintances, etc. This is what keeps us going....the amazing support and love. Noah would be so proud and that in turn makes us happy.
We have gotten pretty good at being able to be in social situations and "act" like we are ok. We can smile and laugh and have fun with people. But it's never 100% pure fun or pure happiness. We leave and reality sinks in. We are going home alone. To our quiet house. To just go to sleep. No babies crying, no bottles to make, no diapers to change, no one to focus on but ourselves. It's lonely and depressing. I think because we are so good at acting ok in front of others, people start to think you are moving on or that you are "better." This is definitely not the case. You do not move on from your child dying and you definitely don't ever get better. Instead you learn to live without your child. It's the most painful way to live. We always talk about Noah and we will talk about how we are feeling with others, but because we can talk and not cry or have major breakdowns, people think we are ok. We try to be good friends, we try to be there for our families, we try to do everything we think is right - but we still very much need to focus on ourselves, our marriage, our loss, and our new baby. While we might have a lot more time on our hands now than we did before, this time is consumed with our grief. Some days it is manageable and some days it is not. But we still very much need our friends and families support. We need to know that people are thinking of Noah. We want to talk about him. He is what we think of almost every second of everyday. And while we are beyond thrilled with this new little one coming in 3.5 months, it does not in anyway take away from our pain of losing Noah. This baby does not replace Noah. He is an addition to our family of 3. He is Noah's little brother, even though he will never get to meet him.
In order to feel like we are still parenting Noah we try to put a lot of our focus into the golf tournament we are having in his honor this summer. The 1st annual Noah's Memorial Classic. We are SO excited about the great turnout we are going to have for this event. It is so important to us to have family and friends come together to honor our beautiful son and to raise money for such a great cause. We are so thankful for everyone who is participating in some way. It is truly amazing the things people will do. Especially those we might not be as close with anymore, old friends, acquaintances, etc. This is what keeps us going....the amazing support and love. Noah would be so proud and that in turn makes us happy.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day
Today is my first mother's day without my baby boy. I cannot believe it's been a year since the sweet little boy in the below picture walked through the door with daddy to bring me these mother's day flowers....and then he tried to grab a big handful of them and eat them :)
This mother's day is bittersweet. While I am terribly missing Noah, my sweet angel who made me a mommy, I'm excited that I get to be a mommy again to another baby boy this September. It is a constant struggle to balance the grief I carry for Noah and the excitement I carry for this new baby. While I am so grateful to be given another chance at mommyhood, I can't help but wonder why I can't just have both my boys? It kills me to know they could be such close friends -they'd be just 22 months apart. This new baby will never get to meet his big brother. I wonder how he will answer the questions when he's older "How many siblings do you have?" I hate that this baby will have to learn about death so early on and only know about his big brother through pictures, videos, and stories we tell him. But we are very much looking forward to the day when we get to hold our new baby in our arms and kiss and snuggle him like crazy.
Dear Noah,
Thank you for making me a mom. I'm so proud to be your mom. You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to my life. You changed me forever and while we only got 11 months together, you made such a huge impact on my life as well as the lives of others. You should be so proud of the life you had - as short as it was. You blessed us with so many smiles, laughs, and very happy memories that I will cherish all the days of my life. Please continue to be with us as we continue on this journey. Help watch over your little brother - he is so lucky to have you as a big brother. Send us a rainbow soon so I know you're smiling down on us. I miss you every day. I still sleep with your blankets, even though they don't smell like you anymore. I still kiss your pictures and pretend I'm kissing you. I cannot wait until the day I get to be with you again.
I love you little monster,
Mommy
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