my life

I already can tell this post is going to be all over the place because I'm feeling so many things right now I don't even know where to start. 


I miss Noah. I miss him so much my heart hearts, my body aches, there is a constant pain in my stomach, constant headache, and I cry for him to come back all the time. My goal in life was to grow up, get married, have children and live happily ever after. I never asked for lots of money (although that would be nice), I never asked for a lot. My entire pregnancy I prayed for a happy and healthy baby. And I got him! I got the most beautiful child. He was a fussy newborn and wanted to be held all the time. But I could deal with that - he was happy and healthy! Then he morphed into the easiest child ever - he could play by himself for hours, anyone could hold him or watch him, he ate everything, he was happy anywhere he was no matter what he was doing. Piece of cake! I mean don't get me wrong, our life was crazy and chaotic and he threw food everywhere, was constantly into mischief....you had to watch him like a hawk. But he was everything we asked for and more. He brought us so much joy and so much happiness and we felt a love that we never knew existed. 


I never really thought about death before. I mean I knew we'd all die at some point but it just wasn't really something I thought of. Every once in awhile when in a scary situation (bad driving situations, scary plane ride, etc) I'd pray to God to not let me die yet because I still had to have children. That was my goal in life. I thought, I can't die before I'm given the chance to have children. And obviously, I lived through each of those situations. Once Noah was born I thought a little differently. Everything focused on him. When he had a cold or was sick in anyway I would pray for him to get better and for me to have the cold instead so that wouldn't be in any pain. I thought I could deal with anything, just don't let him go through any pain. And then he died. My immediate response was to the doctor to ask if they could do a heart transplant so that Noah could have my heart and he could live (I watch a little too much Grey's Anatomy). Obviously the doctor said that wasn't an option. But I immediately felt like I had failed. I had done everything I was supposed to do and my child died. Why couldn't I keep him alive? What more could I have done? Did he want to die? He couldn't have - he was so happy all the time! Is this part of God's plan? Why? Why would God's plan be to take away a perfectly healthy baby from a home where he was with both of his parents, was safe, healthy, and loved. It doesn't make any sense to me. 


Everyday I look at his pictures and they look so real. I think, Noah still is here! Someone is going to knock on my door and be like "just kidding, we had the wrong kid!" And everything is going to be ok. And then reality hits. I'm somewhere between denial and reality. I still don't believe this happened. I don't believe that in order for me to see my baby I have to look at pictures and videos. In order to visit him I have to go to a cemetery. In order to celebrate a holiday with him I have to decorate his grave site. These types of things just don't happen, and they don't happen to me. They happen to other people (not that I'd wish this on anyone else!). 


I can say I have a new outlook on death. I yearn for it sometimes (not in a suicidal way). I think, when will this all be over so I can just see my baby again? Hug him, hold him, kiss him...I want that so bad. This wasn't the life I asked for - I don't want to wake up everyday and have to put on a brave face for the world and survive another day. It's so hard, so draining, so exhausting. I am no longer afraid for the day that my life here ends and my eternal life with Noah begins. A life without pain, without sadness. It sounds so depressing. I used to be this happy cheerful, full of life person. I hope someday again I can be that person. But how do you ever be truly happy when your child is gone? 


And then, just when I think things can't get worse - they do. My mom was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (cancer of the plasma cells) in August of 2009 (mom, don't get mad at me for telling everyone this!). It's been stable up until now and she hasn't needed any treatment. Last night I found out she has to start treatment. This isn't good news for many reasons that I just don't feel strong enough to explain right now. I lost it. I felt sick all night. I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me...I couldn't breathe! I can't deal with all of this. this is too much for one person to handle. Someone told me that God doesn't give you more than you can handle but that is a load of crap. I can't handle all of this. I can't handle that my son died, my mom is sick, my brother needs treatment and we don't know where he is...I can't handle it all. How do you wake up each day and survive knowing there is not much left? I try to have hope and faith but I am dying inside. I am trying to be a good wife, a good friend, stay strong for my parents, etc. I am a good person who has always tried to do what is right. I don't know why this is my life now. I don't know why I was dealt this hand. I'm scared of what everyday brings. Just when I think the worst has happened, something else horrible happens. I'm praying for the day when things start turning around for us. 


On a brighter note Noah has been sending me lots of signs that he's with me and that is what gets me through each day. I see rainbows on everything and everywhere! And we are brainstorming ways to honor his life while helping others at the same time. I know he would want that and I want his memory to live on forever! 


XOXO Noah. Thinking of you and missing you always. 
Mommy