the bad days and the ok days

It's so strange to think that most of my days before Noah died were good days. Great days in fact. Of course every once in awhile I would have a bad day or something bad would happen. I would think it was the worst thing in the world. I've gone through most of my life considering myself extremely unlucky. Even though I had an amazing husband, friends, family, and most importantly my son, I still always felt like if something strange, different, bad, unexpected could happen, it would happen to me. Little did I know I was the luckiest person in the world until that day Noah died. I wish I would've taken the time to realize that all the things I've gone through in my life were NOTHING until I lost the most important person I had. It is now so hard for me to hear people complain about such trivial things when they in fact do not have it as bad as they think. It's hard to fault them because until you've experienced such tragedy, you truly don't understand. So you go on thinking that a car accident, a snow storm, a bad day at work, being late to a meeting, is the worst thing in the world. You let the stress of life overcome your life to the point where you don't enjoy it because you are complaining so much about how things could be different....I understand...I've done that. But trust me when I tell you that no matter what your pain or suffering in life, NOTHING is comparable to losing a child. Not a parent, a friend, a sibling, nothing. I know those are all absolutely horrific loses. But it does not compare. I wish everyday Noah was here but just sick in the hospital. I wish I lost my house, my cars, my money. I wish horrible things that no one would want but in return for my child. Because at the end of the day, your children are all that matter. You created them, you taught them what they know, they changed your life. They made you a mom or a dad. They bring you more happiness than anyone or anything else can. And if all you have is your children, that is all you need. 

Yesterday I did the most unimaginable thing. Scott and I sat down and designed the monument marker that will be placed at the cemetery. It was the most heart wrenching thing we've ever done. How sick and wrong is it to design a stone that will mark the place of where your child is buried? I felt like it was the last big thing we did for him and it had to be perfect. It had to represent him. Although our cemetery only allows flat markers now so our options were limited. When I called the cemetery to get the requirement information (another horrible day - why was I calling a cemetery for my son??), the man said "well, babies are very small so you won't have a lot of room to work with." Seriously? Like I didn't know that my son was 21 lbs and 11 months old and TOO YOUNG to die! Like I didn't know that he was too little! The horrifying thoughts of him in his casket came rushing back to me. How small it was. How little he looked inside. The whole process makes me want to scream. I totally broke down. I never in my life thought that on a random Wednesday night, Scott and I would be doing what we did. 

Today is the 4 year anniversary of when my Grandpa Joe died. St. Patricks Day is always such a fun and celebratory day for most people, but it marks a very important day in my life. I had gotten the chance to spend a lot of time with my grandpa before he died since I lived in CT at the time. He died shortly before Scott and my wedding that he wanted so badly to attend. I remember when we found out we were having a boy, we right away thought his middle name should be Joseph after my grandpa. Grandpa Joe was such a silly person...goofy, full of life, always making jokes (he hit on the nurses at the nursing home on a daily basis of that gives you any indication of his personality). In the months after Noah was born and starting to develop a personality, I couldn't believe how similar him and grandpa were. I was so saddened by the fact that grandpa didn't get to meet Noah. I knew he would have LOVED playing with him and making goofy faces at him. They had a bond - I just knew it. Noah having his middle name could not have been more fitting. He was so much like him! They are together now and I am happy to know that grandpa and Noah finally get to meet and play together. 

Through these very tough days, there have been glimmers of happiness. I am continually grateful for how thoughtful and supportive people continue to me. I have received many great things to help us remember Noah. But I have to write about the most thoughtful gift I received a couple weeks ago. A friend from high school runs a daycare in her home. One day I received a package in the mail from them. Each child had painted a rainbow on a piece of paper. On the back side was what really sent me to tears. My friend had shown the children a photo of Noah and asked them to tell her what came to their mind when they saw him and what they thought he was doing in heaven. So on the back of each rainbow were messages from the children about Noah: his big blue eyes, his "soft" hair, etc. And then what they thought he was doing in heaven: playing soccer, playing in the sand, etc. It is amazing to think of things from a child's perspective. They have such a real and simple interpretation. I will cherish these pictures forever. I hope she doesn't mind that I post the photos....they are so unbelievable, I just had to share. Thank you S!