Monday, February 7, 2011

4 months ago today...

Four months ago today was the last morning I spent with my peanut. I remember he played in our bedroom while I got ready. I remember daddy getting him dressed before he had to leave for work. I remember daddy putting on pants that did not match his shirt so of course I changed the pants right after daddy left for work. I had just gotten Noah some really cute new jeans so I put him in those. He was wearing a grey vintagey looking t-shirt (because he was a very hip little boy!) that said "county fair" with a white long sleeved onesie underneath. He wore grey baby gap socks that he would pull off his feet the second you put them on and start eating them. 

Every morning Noah would watch Mickey Mouse clubhouse in our bedroom and would play in the pack n play with his toys - he moved around far too much to let him be "free" in the bedroom....otherwise I'd spend all morning chasing after him instead of getting ready for work. When it was time to go downstairs to get things packed up for the day Noah would cruise all around - usually making his first stop by the door where all the shoes were. He bee-lined for the shoes....and then would eat them. So gross! I would always chase after him, remove the shoe from his mouth, bring him back to the family room where his toys were and as soon as I'd set him down, he'd bee-line for the shoes again. This would go on for about 15 minutes until we were finally ready to walk out the door. I made sure we had his blankie - he had to sleep with his blankie. He didn't have a certain one he loved, which was nice for me because I could wash them often and switch them out. He just had to have one to sleep with. I remember driving him to daycare that day. I remember specifically not wanting to bring him. I talked to him the whole way there while we listened to the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse CD (his fav!). I remember telling him I wish I didn't have to work that day and we could just play all day. For some reason I just really did not want to drop him off at daycare that day. Call it a mother's intuition I guess. I remember carrying him in, handing him to our daycare lady and after a quick kiss, "love you", and "have a good day", I was out of there. I had to leave fast in those days because he was starting to get separation anxiety. The longer I lingered the harder it was for both of us. If I had only known. If I had only known to squeeze him so tight that morning. to give him extra kisses and say extra "I love you's". To take an extra glimpse at my baby alive. I never thought that would be the last time I'd see him alive. Never. You never think "my child might die at daycare today". I went on with my day as normal. I remember what I wore and will probably never wear that outfit again. I remember laughing at the lunch table with my co-workers. I remember having a great day while my son was napping and dying. While he was all alone upstairs in a crib. 

I remember leaving work that day so excited to go pick up my peanut. I remember talking to my mom on the phone as I did everyday on my way to pick Noah up after work. I remember getting another call from an unknown number. Something compelled me to answer it. The rest of this story is in Noah's Story and I wish not to re-live it at this time. Although I do re-live it everyday of my life, it's harder to write out. 

4 months ago this morning was a happy morning. I played, hugged, and kissed my peanut. We were planning his 1st halloween (the only holiday he never got). he was going to be a pumpkin (thanks to cousin Maddie letting him borrow her costume!) and a bumble bee (thanks to my co-worker Tesa for letting us borrow this). We were going to have a halloween party and go trick or treating the next night so obviously he had to have 2 different costumes! We were planning his 1st bday party (Mickey Mouse themed of course). We were planning a life together. I still can't believe this happened. Everyday I cannot believe he's gone. I cannot believe in one moment our entire lives turned upside down forever. Whoever said the pain gets easier with time is wrong. It's actually only gotten harder. Although I can do the everyday things now,  my heart is still completely broken. I miss him so much it kills me. This never gets easier. Losing a child doesn't get easier. You just get used to your life without them and that is almost sadder. I never imagined I'd have to live my life without Noah. You think once you have a child they are going to be with you forever. You think you are surely going to die before them. 

4 months ago this afternoon my sweet, perfect, healthy baby went down for a nap and turned into an angel. 

Missing you so very much, Noah. 


  1. Dear Jenna,
    While I don't know you, I did go to high school with Scott and was devastated for you both when I heard the news. I just wanted to share this with you; I thought of you when I woke this morning. I think of you often. I thought to myself that it may be strange to think of someone you don't know and doesn't know you, and while I can't understand your pain, I understand your love. I have 2 little boys, Chase is 4 and Liam is 10 months today, the love I have for them is beyond words. While you and I are strangers, we share the bond of motherhood, maybe that's why I think of you often. I have no words of wisdom to offer, no advice to give, I just wanted you to know that you are in the thoughts of a stranger, hundreds of miles away.
    Sincerely, Jesse Nardini-Paulette

  2. Jenna,
    I got chills reading your story. So much of our stories are alike. When I went to feed Julius, a part of me just did NOT want to turn him back over. a part of me wanted to take him home with me. i kick myself daily for not listening. i wish we had our boys back. we deserve them. my heart is extra heavy today for Noah. i wish we lived closer :'(

  3. Jenna,
    I went to highschool with Scott and when I heard of your loss my heart was broken. While I don't know you personally nor do I really know Scott, I think about you very often and wish there was something I could do or say to give you just one minute back with Noah. Your words are very moving. Know that you are thought of often as is your family and Noah.

  4. What an emotional post so sorry for your loss.

  5. Jenna, I hate that there are so many other mothers out there that are forever missing their babies. I'm so sorry for your loss.

  6. I hate naps :(

    Im thinking of you, i wish i could hug you.

  7. Still reading your blog, and praying for you, your husband, and your son. You write beautifully, keep it going. Your little one knows the words that are in your heart. He hears you, and he loves you still.
    God be with you in this painful journey..
    Melissas Mom in CT..

  8. I shared all your pictures of Noah with my daughter Maya (7). She made comments on all of them....about his cute smile, cute outfit...and many other cute little details she only notices. He is very much alive in our eyes and hearts!! <3

    Sylwia Wollenberg