Sunday, January 8, 2012

Another year without you...

Dear Noah,
I can't believe it's 2012. I can't believe I went the entire 2011 without you. I can't believe you've been gone 1 year and 3 months. I can't believe you'd be over 2 years old. I can't believe you have a 4 month old little brother with us now. I can't believe this is still my life. 

A lot of days now I can go without crying. I can actually be happy. I'm so happy to have your little brother. He brings mommy so much joy! He reminds me so much of you in so many ways, yet he definitely has his own distinct personality as well. He's mischevious like you. I can already tell. He's really silly and goofy like you too. He has a big smile like yours, but he does not have your laugh. Your laugh is like no other - I long for the day I'll hear you laugh again. Until then, I still watch your videos all the time so I can hear you, see you, and listen to that adorable little laugh. Although I am learning how to be happy, I still miss you so much it hurts. I know that will never go away. Everyone says the hard days get fewer and farther in between. I guess that is true, but the hard days are so very hard. I just wish so badly I could have both you and Oliver here. I wish I could watch you interact with each other. I wonder every day what it would be like to have 2 crazy, silly boys here with me. I know Oliver would think the world of you and I know you would LOVE playing with him. You'd probably torment him in some way, knowing you :) But I bet he wouldn't even mind. I wish I could have a picture of both of you together. In fact, I wish I could have a picture of our whole family together. It's so unfair that it has to be this way. I see so many other families at Target or while out and about that have a little boy your age and another child. I wonder if they realize how lucky they are. How lucky they are to have both of their children with them. To hold and hug and kiss both of them. 

As you probably know, we are beginning to work on your golf tournament for 2012! The 2nd Annual Noah's Memorial Classic. We are so excited to do this for you again, peanut. Daddy and I just finished designing the website so that people can get information and register and donate online this year.
**(the website will be up next month with details about the tournament so stay tuned!**
We hope this year can be as successful as last year. We are happy to be able to do something so wonderful in your name and get all our family and friends together for such a great cause! We want to raise awareness of SIDS and raise money for SIDS research, but we also just want people to come together and talk about you, look at your pictures, and honor you and the amazing 11 months you were with us. 

I know you are watching over us all the time. I know that every time the dining room china hutch light is mysteriously on, it's you telling me you're with me. I know every night when I unwind after the day and watch tv and see that shadow quickly sweep over the room, I know you're right there. I wish I could see you and hold you and kiss you. I wish I knew what you'd be like at 2 years old. But I do know we will be together again. I do know you're an amazing son and big brother. And I do know how very lucky I am to have had you for the short time I did. You changed my life - you made it better. You are an angel and I can say I made an angel, I held an angel, and I love you so very very much. 

xoxo mommy


  1. A beautiful post Jenna - I think and pray for you and your family every day. I hope 2012 is filled with more joy and peace than you can imagine!

  2. Bless Ur Heart. I lost My first child Michelle December 5th 1976 to crib death. Never a day has went by since i don't think of her. I Pray for your heart xxx

  3. This is an incredible way to show your love for Noah. I'm honored to read it.

  4. You are so right- the hard days are fewer but they are so very HARD. I wish so much that both your boys could be here with you.

    I know Noah is watching over you guys all the time Jenna. He probably has lots of great conversations with his baby brother when you guys aren't looking! I know Aiden does that with Mason :)

    I'm praying that 2012 is a year filled with many beautiful things for you guys!

  5. It is nice to hear that you are experiencing better days. Noah must be so happy to see you smiling and enjoying time with his little brother.

    Thinking of you