Wednesday, May 18, 2011

missing my little man

I just miss him. I miss him so much. It's just not fair - I don't understand why Noah had to die. Why did it have to be my son? I don't wish that it was someone else's, but still...why mine? He was healthy and perfect. We really couldn't have asked for anyone better. He was so playful, outgoing, fun, and just brought so much joy and purpose to our lives. Now I am left trying to pick up the pieces. Many people think this must get easier over time but it does not. You just sadly get used to your child not being with you anymore. But it is never easier. My life now consists of having to deal with it in so many ways. Not only are you missing and grieving your child but there are so many layers. People constantly ask if you have children, or now that I am visibly pregnant people ask "Is this your first?" I always say "no" which then of course leads to "how old is your other one? boy or girl", etc. Almost everyday I deal with this question and how to answer it. Do you lie and say "he's 18 months" and then hope they don't ask anymore questions or do you tell them that your son died at 11 months old and deal with all the questions and awkwardness that stems from that? And sometimes how people respond to that makes everything worse. The other day a lady told me if one of her kids ever died she would kill herself. Then there is this new baby. Do I change the nursery? Use the same clothes? He will be using all Noah's toys, stroller, high chair, etc. Will it be hard because of all the memories or will be good because of all the memories? Then when this baby is born how will I ever sleep? I will be the most paranoid mom EVER! But I know that even if I stand over his crib and watch him sleep all night, it won't save him. SIDS happens instantly and if it's truly SIDS they cannot be saved. I know the likeliness of anything happening again is only 0.4% but still, what was the likeliness that a child would die from SIDS at 11 months old anyways? I struggle so much on a daily basis because all things baby/child related remind me of Noah. They remind me that my son is not here but these other children get to live long healthy lives. That's all I wanted for Noah. The day he was born I held him and said, "you're stuck with us forever." I really thought he was. Scott and I would dream of what sports he'd play, the things we'd do with him as he got older. All our hopes and dreams were shattered with one phone call that changed our lives forever. But then again sometimes baby things make me excited for this new baby. I am trying to find balance between grieving Noah and being excited for this new baby. Some days I focus more on Noah and some days I focus more on the new baby. I guess all parents feel guilt when they are having a 2nd child because they want to love this child as much as their 1st, etc. I don't want to compare this child to Noah. They are their own child. 

We have gotten pretty good at being able to be in social situations and "act" like we are ok. We can smile and laugh and have fun with people. But it's never 100% pure fun or pure happiness. We leave and reality sinks in. We are going home alone. To our quiet house. To just go to sleep. No babies crying, no bottles to make, no diapers to change, no one to focus on but ourselves. It's lonely and depressing. I think because we are so good at acting ok in front of others, people start to think you are moving on or that you are "better." This is definitely not the case. You do not move on from your child dying and you definitely don't ever get better. Instead you learn to live without your child. It's the most painful way to live. We always talk about Noah and we will talk about how we are feeling with others, but because we can talk and not cry or have major breakdowns, people think we are ok. We try to be good friends, we try to be there for our families, we try to do everything we think is right - but we still very much need to focus on ourselves, our marriage, our loss, and our new baby. While we might have a lot more time on our hands now than we did before, this time is consumed with our grief. Some days it is manageable and some days it is not. But we still very much need our friends and families support. We need to know that people are thinking of Noah. We want to talk about him. He is what we think of almost every second of everyday. And while we are beyond thrilled with this new little one coming in 3.5 months, it does not in anyway take away from our pain of losing Noah. This baby does not replace Noah. He is an addition to our family of 3. He is Noah's little brother, even though he will never get to meet him. 

In order to feel like we are still parenting Noah we try to put a lot of our focus into the golf tournament we are having in his honor this summer. The 1st annual Noah's Memorial Classic. We are SO excited about the great turnout we are going to have for this event. It is so important to us to have family and friends come together to honor our beautiful son and to raise money for such a great cause. We are so thankful for everyone who is participating in some way. It is truly amazing the things people will do. Especially those we might not be as close with anymore, old friends, acquaintances, etc. This is what keeps us going....the amazing support and love. Noah would be so proud and that in turn makes us happy. 


  1. I am so sorry for the loss of your son Noah. My 18 month old daughter Isabella passed away on March 10, of this year. I stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say how handsome Noah was and also to congratulate you on your pregnancy.

    All the best.

  2. Oh Marisa I am so sorry! How did she die? It's just so awful that we have to go through this. Please feel free to write me if you want to talk - we can help support each other!

  3. Thank you for the e-mail information,

    Isabella passed away due to a Strep A infection. She was healthy one day and passed the next. I would not wish this type of pain on anyone.

  4. Jenna, just wanted you to know that I have a close friend since kindergarten who gave birth to a set of twin boys, full term in 1974. We are 58 now, her one twin boy Jeffrey died of Sids, on her birthday 2 weeks after they were born. Her husband had taken her out to dinner, and her Grama was babysitting. Grama had had 10 babies of her own, and put both Matt and Jeff to sleep in their crib, and later discovered Jeff was gone.
    I guess that my point here is to reassure you, that time does not make you or your close friends forget your son, and although the exact moments may get harder to recall, the essence of that baby boy never leaves you. When we get together over coffee now, when I am back in our home town in PA - Jeffrey always comes up and we share that bond. I am always praying for you and your husband, and ask Jim how you are.. Eden Munterichs Grama Debbie, here in CT