Dear Noah

Dear Noah,
Here are all the things I wish I could say to you. I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss your smile and your laugh the most. I miss that I could just look at you and you'd start laughing. I miss how ticklish you were. We could barely poke you and it'd send you into a fit of hysterics. I wish so badly that I could hold you. I wish a part of me knew that October 6th would be our last full day with you. I would have held you so tight and never let you go. I would have smelled your sweet baby smell. I loved the way your hair smelled like baby shampoo. I love that you loved baths. You'd kick the water with your feet just to see it move and splash. We'd always sing "Splish splash I was taking a bath" and you'd just sit there and eat your bath toys. I love how you'd try to stand up in the tub but because it was slippery we had to have one hand on you and wash you with the other hand. You always had to make things a little tricky for mommy and daddy. You are a little stinker. That's what we called you. I love how for the last couple months we had with you, you would not lay down for diaper changes/clothes changes. We'd have to pin you down with our arms because you'd get up and crawl away...laughing. You thought it was so funny. You thought everything was funny....especially daddy. I miss seeing daddy make his silly faces and sounds at you to make you laugh. I miss seeing you guys interact together. You had such a special bond. You were truly and mamma's AND a daddy's boy. I miss chasing you all over the house while you tried to eat the plant, eat my shoes, pull on cords, try to get at the fireplace, etc. I miss seeing you eat. I loved watching you eat your cheerios. You'd eat a couple, then throw a couple. That was a super fun game! I loved watching you explore all the new foods you got to eat. The last dinner with you we had pigs in a blanket for a fun treat! It was a turkey hot dog so I figured maybe that was better than the real thing. Either way, you loved it! You'd always smash the foods in your hands, then put it in your mouth. Half of it would fall out while you were chewing. You'd try to grab it and then you'd rub your hands in your hair. Needless to say we did baths almost every night at this point. I loved how you hated books. This sounds bad - I really didn't like it at the time. Daddy and I tried to read to you every single day but you just weren't into it. Every once in awhile you'd sit there and listen but most of the time you'd rip the book out of our hands, tear the pages or try to eat the book. Again, you were a stinker! I miss taking you everywhere. We went so many places...I loved watching your reactions. You loved watching people and lights. It was so fun to try to see the world through your eyes. You were so full of life and just ready to take on the world. I wish so badly I got to see you grow up. I can only imagine what an amazing person you'd have grown up to be. 


I miss so many things about you, peanut. I forgot to mention one of my favorite things - I miss going into your bedroom in the morning when you'd wake up. You'd usually be trying to eat the side of your crib and as soon as you'd see me walk in you'd giggle, lay down and bury your face in the mattress like you were hiding. You knew you weren't supposed to eat the side of the crib. You knew you weren't supposed to do a lot of things but I think that made you want to do them all the more. I was only imagining what you were going to be like as a toddler! How were we going to handle this silly monster!?!?! I really wish I got to find out. 


You are truly the most amazing person I've ever met in my entire life. You loved unconditionally. You changed so many people's lives in your short 11 months and 3 days. You were the best present, a true blessing from God. I love you more than I think my heart is capable of loving. And that will never go away. 


I miss you so much baby. I hope you're happy in heaven. I hope there are lots of toys and you are smiling and laughing all the time. Continue to show us signs that you're with us. 


Love you and miss you!!!
Mommy


P.S. Here are some of my favorite pics of my peanut from when he was 7 months old taken by my amazing photographer friend (West Meadow Photography)