Wednesday, January 26, 2011


I couldn't think of a good title for this post. AHHHH is how I'm feeling right now so I figured that about sums it up!

I find each day without Noah to be more and more difficult emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I can now "function" daily. I can go to work and "act" fine. I can go work out, hang out with friends (sometimes - I still feel very distant), run errands, etc. However I think it sometimes makes people think that I actually am ok, and therefore they stop treating me like a mom who lost their son. I don't want people to treat me differently or pity me. However I think a lot of people just stop asking how I feel, how I'm doing, surviving, etc. Some people are really good about this and others are not. Many people still write me private facebook messages, emails, send cards, etc. It really makes me happy because it makes me know people are thinking about us, praying for us and most importantly thinking about Noah. It's really less about me and more about Noah. I know no one will ever forget him, however I like to talk about him. He DID exist and he will always be my baby. My first born, my son who received his angel wings far sooner than he should have. Some people are so amazingly thoughtful. I have to say how touched I was yesterday when my co-worker brought me a beautiful solar light for the cemetery. I have been wanting one since it's always dark after work when I go visit, however they don't sell the decorative ones in the winter. She didn't even know I was looking for them - so it really meant a lot. I hate that it's so dark and gloomy at the cemetery. I like when the sun is shining right on him. I like when I see other footprints there or gifts that others have brought for him. It makes me happy to know when other people visit him. I hate that he is alone there. I wish I could go every single day. I wish everyone could go because I feel better when I know people have visited him. He's resting at a beautiful place - St. Patrick's Cemetery in Maple Grove. He is among an old friend of mine and a friend's sister. He's resting right next to a couple other babies as well. He's located in the most perfect spot because whenever the sun is shining, it shines right on him.

I just wanted to say that I'm ok. Ok is all I'm going to be for awhile. I'm miserable in my heart. But I can function and do things. I do sometimes have fun. Although it's not that often. I do sometimes smile and laugh. But mostly at the end of the day when work is over and I'm home alone with my husband the realization sets in that even though I am still a mom, I do not have those motherly responsibilities right now. My life is pretty boring and simple. What was is no longer and will never be...not in the same way anyways. And accepting that is the hardest thing in the world. To know that what I want most in the whole entire world is to see my boy again. And I can't have it. Missing you peanut.


  1. i know these feelings all too well. i'm sorry that either one of us has to be here - at this place, in this world without our boys. :'(

    so happy that you got a light for Noah. that's so nice of your coworker. it's the little things that bring some comfort. ((hugs)) my dear friend.

  2. i just want to remind you that many, many, many people think of Noah. I know in my family it is brought up often. Nobody will ever forget your sweet boy.

  3. I was just thinking of you and Noah this morning (even though I never met him I hope you know we think and pray for you often) But this morning I was reading a blog I follow ( and she had this quote about losing her baby and I thought how true it must be. "Noah will be a much bigger part of your future, than your past." I know it doesn't make you feel better, but I think it is awesome that you are blogging, sharing your thoughts/ feelings & carrying on his legacy.

  4. I completely understand what you are saying- i think we all deserve academy awards! others don't understand that just because we go about our lives doesn't mean we are "better." you don't get "better" from this. i'm glad someone brought you a light. we have solar powered christmas lights at ellie's tree next her site and i love them. i love knowing a light is burning all night for her.

  5. Just want to send over some good energy your way! I never had a chance to meet your son Noah, and I don't really know you..( I worked with Scott during high school for little while) BUT.....through reading your posts and seeing your pictures, I feel like I'm slowly getting to know him and you =). I have 3 kids and one on the way in May. Hearing your story just makes me appreciate every moment even more. And during my quiet time at night, I always check up on you and see how your holding up. =) I think good things will come your way!! ..and Noah will have something to do with that.

    Sylwia Wollenberg

  6. Its hard to not feel forgotten. You realize that after awhle people stop mentioning it because you do seem so normal and mentioning it might start the floodworks. They just don't realize that we need to hear people speak about them. We need confirmation that they just weren't dreams, that they made their mark on this world. They were here.
    Thinking of you.

  7. I think of Noah and your family often... through mutual acquaintances I was directed to your blog -- turns out we were at UMD the same years.. Your son with be forever in my prayers as will you and your husband......