I couldn't think of a good title for this post. AHHHH is how I'm feeling right now so I figured that about sums it up!
I find each day without Noah to be more and more difficult emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I can now "function" daily. I can go to work and "act" fine. I can go work out, hang out with friends (sometimes - I still feel very distant), run errands, etc. However I think it sometimes makes people think that I actually am ok, and therefore they stop treating me like a mom who lost their son. I don't want people to treat me differently or pity me. However I think a lot of people just stop asking how I feel, how I'm doing, surviving, etc. Some people are really good about this and others are not. Many people still write me private facebook messages, emails, send cards, etc. It really makes me happy because it makes me know people are thinking about us, praying for us and most importantly thinking about Noah. It's really less about me and more about Noah. I know no one will ever forget him, however I like to talk about him. He DID exist and he will always be my baby. My first born, my son who received his angel wings far sooner than he should have. Some people are so amazingly thoughtful. I have to say how touched I was yesterday when my co-worker brought me a beautiful solar light for the cemetery. I have been wanting one since it's always dark after work when I go visit, however they don't sell the decorative ones in the winter. She didn't even know I was looking for them - so it really meant a lot. I hate that it's so dark and gloomy at the cemetery. I like when the sun is shining right on him. I like when I see other footprints there or gifts that others have brought for him. It makes me happy to know when other people visit him. I hate that he is alone there. I wish I could go every single day. I wish everyone could go because I feel better when I know people have visited him. He's resting at a beautiful place - St. Patrick's Cemetery in Maple Grove. He is among an old friend of mine and a friend's sister. He's resting right next to a couple other babies as well. He's located in the most perfect spot because whenever the sun is shining, it shines right on him.
I just wanted to say that I'm ok. Ok is all I'm going to be for awhile. I'm miserable in my heart. But I can function and do things. I do sometimes have fun. Although it's not that often. I do sometimes smile and laugh. But mostly at the end of the day when work is over and I'm home alone with my husband the realization sets in that even though I am still a mom, I do not have those motherly responsibilities right now. My life is pretty boring and simple. What was is no longer and will never be...not in the same way anyways. And accepting that is the hardest thing in the world. To know that what I want most in the whole entire world is to see my boy again. And I can't have it. Missing you peanut.