Monday, January 17, 2011

life in a fog

I haven't written in awhile. Honestly it's because my words have escaped me. Usually I am never at a loss of words. I always have something to say/write (much to some of your demise! :) But lately I've really been in a fog. I just kind of go through the days, go through the motions. I feel like I live in a fog. My head is foggy. Everyone around me is moving on with their life. I'm trying to live my life as what it is now, but this is not the life I wanted. I want my old life back. I want the life where I was happy and fun and full of energy! Where I had my son and we were a little family of 3. But now I live a foggy life. Where I hold all the memories of my sweet peanut in my heart. Where I have to visit him at the cemetery. Where I talk to him but he's not physically here to listen. There are so many things that just aren't right. I sit in his room and cry and try to picture him in his crib, waking up from a nap. I try to picture the cute way he used to sleep with his butt up in the air. I try to picture him running around, climbing on everything. I climb the stairs and remember how he climbed those very stairs. I was cleaning the vents this weekend and thought about how he'd run his fingers across the vents all the time because it would make noise. I was baking cookies this weekend and couldn't find one of the measuring spoons. Noah used to always play in the cupboard where the measuring spoons were. I started to think that I bet it's under the stove somewhere from when he used to play with them. It made me smile and I could've cared less that I'll probably never find that measuring spoon. All I have now are these memories. I think that's part of the reason why I'm so foggy. Every single moment in life and everything I do reminds me of Noah in some way. So I cannot completely ever concentrate on something else. And it puts me in a fog. Somewhere between living in that moment and thinking about my peanut. And then there's always the future. That is so foggy. When we had Noah things seemed more clear. He would grow up and probably play sports and go to school, etc. We'd have one or two more children and life would go on the very same way. However now things are different. My viewpoint is different. Now I think when will we have more children? Will they live? Will they be healthy? Will I be happy? Will I just want Noah back? What will life be like in 10 years? Will I still cry everyday? Everything is so unknown now. The future is very cloudy. I realized you can only plan so much. And I am a planner....I wish I could plan my whole life out! But now I have to live each day for that day. I don't plan much anymore because I don't know what each day will bring. I just kind of go with the least I try to. I'm not a very "go with the flow" type of person. But life is different. I'm different. 

I try to make Noah proud in so many ways. There is a project in the works...but I will report nothing until details are all figured out! So it's a surprise :) But having something to focus on that would make him proud of me makes me so happy. I live my life for him now. I will never know why I got to live and he didn't, but I figure since I did live, I'm going to live for him and continue to do things that would make him happy and make him smile. I love that smile. I miss that smile.
This photo cracks me up. One Monday (daddy/noah day) I got an email with this picture in it. It said "Noey bought mommy a present!" It made me laugh out loud. To see his smiling face in a giant Favre jersey! I'm so mad at myself for returning this jersey. I figured I didn't really need it and I knew it costed a lot. I wish I would've kept it as Noah wore it. If I only knew...


  1. o, jenna, i feel like i wrote this post. life is such a fog now. and everything i do reminds me of Juju. everywhere i go, i think of him. we went to the mall today and i remembered all of those times i took him and wore him in his carrier. we went to a restaurant after, and i thought of the time we took him. gosh, i hate living life this way. i just want to know that there will be happier days ahead. all i can do is hope, but sometimes hope is not enough.

    i'm excited to hear about your new project. i'm so proud of you for doing things in memory and honor of Noah. i know he is beaming thinking about what an amazing woman his mommy is.

  2. I love you sis. I love this picture of him and I remember exactly when you sent it to me that day. Makes me smile :)

  3. I love his eyebrows! Remember I said they were very distinctive-just like yours! Keep writing. It's so wonderful~
    Mary Sinjem

  4. I think we all live on "hopes and dreams"....and I don't want you to give up on that! Everybody has their own path that they have to take, and yours is definitely not an easy one. In each "blog" you always point out something positive, even though there seems to be none at that moment. I agree with Mary....keep writing!! =)

    Sylwia Wollenberg

  5. Jenna,

    I know that I have not talked to you in a million years, and havn't seen you in longer. I happened upon your blog. I had no idea. I think that you are a very strong woman. I have a daughter now and could not even imagine trying to live my life any other way. You living in a fog I feel would be the only way anyone who looses a child would feel. I couldn't help but burst into tears for you and your family. I love that rainbows remind you of your little boy what an up lifting thing that could make you smile just a bit. I want to write more, but I am at a loss of words, I just wanted to let you know that even though we have not spoken to each other you are and always will be an amazing woman and so brave to have started this blog and celebrate the life of your son. I hope that someday you will be able to find a little comfort and have your pain eased. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I would have gotten to meet your little Noah I am sure he had an amazing personality just like his momma. I hope you don't mind me writing on here I wasn't sure if it was just family or not. I plan to keep reading about your little boy and hope that by you writing you are able to heal.

    I hope that a rainbow soon comes to clear your fog.

    Kristal (stawnychy) Mazzola
    (your old roomate from collage)