3 months

It's been 3 months today. 3 months since I kissed your chubby cheeks. 3 months since I saw your smiling face. 3 months since I dropped you off at daycare in your cute new jeans and county fair t-shirt and never saw you alive again. 3 months since I changed you and fed you. 3 months since I got that phone call that changed my life forever. 3 months since I saw you laying on that hospital bed with tubes everywhere. 3 months since since they told me you were unresponsive and they had done all they could do. 3 months since I told them to take my heart so you could live. 3 awful, heartbreaking, emotional, depressing, unimaginable months. It's felt like an eternity since I've had you, Noah. I am forgetting what it was like to be a mom to you everyday. My reality now is that you aren't here and it's back to just daddy and me. We have no responsibility, no diaper bags to prep, no bottles to make, no diapers to change. Worst of all we don't have you. I still can't believe you're gone. I still think this happens to other people and not me. I'm still baffled by it all. I don't get it - I don't understand why us? Why you? I guess we will never understand. You deserved so much more - you deserved a life that was longer than 11 months. You deserved a birthday. You deserved to see the world. It's hard to imagine what you'd be doing now at 14 months. Walking and talking...God I wish I could see you do those things. It's something everyone takes for granted. All I know is that you had an amazing life for 11 months. But you were not supposed to die. I am not supposed to have a child that died. Our family is broken without you. We will never have a complete family photo, a complete family vacation, your future brothers or sisters will never get to meet their big brother. They will have to learn about death at a far earlier age than they were supposed to. This is not the life I wanted. But I wouldn't choose not to have had you. Had I of known what would happen, I would still choose you, Noah. You changed our lives, brought us so much happiness and love. I would choose you every time. 


As the months go on I will continue to miss you more and more. I will visit you today as I do every week. I will continue to hope and pray that you come back to us somehow, someway. That you continue to be our guardian angel and watch over us. I love you more than words. 


XOXO
mommy